The Peoples News

By Xavier Muhammad

Starring in a new sitcom this fall, Damon Wayans will certainly not be funny.

(LOS ANGELES) Upon hearing that Damon Wayans will be returning to TV this fall, an enthusiastic public eagerly anticipated not watching the new show.

“I’ve been waiting to ignore a Damon Wayans show for six years now, ever since his last one,” Rodney Bell told The Peoples News.

When informed that Wayans’ previous sitcom, My Wife and Kids, had run until 2005, Bell didn’t miss a beat.

“Yes, but I started ignoring it in 2002,” he said proudly.

Wayans is probably one of the biggest, most deservedly ignored stars in Hollywood. His new show, announced April 30 by ABC, is called Never Better. It casts Wayans as a recovering alcoholic struggling to be a good husband and father.

“I can’t wait,” said an excited Beverly Jean. “All my friends will probably gather together when the show comes on, make popcorn, and watch something else. Just like with In Loving Color, except the exact opposite.”

In Living Color, a sketch comedy show that debuted in 1990 with a predominantly African American cast, was the original must-see TV for a generation of blacks. Despite the presence of his older brother Keenan and young comics Jim Carrey and David Alan Grier, Wayans, who created characters like Homey the Clown and movie critic Antoine Merriweather, was the show’s most brilliant star.

But before starring in Color, he had already given a glimpse to how genuinely un-funny he could be. He didn’t provoke a single laugh during his sole season on Saturday Night Live in the mid-1980s, and his turn in 1988’s Earth Girls Are Easy proved just as un-laughable. After he left In Living Color, Wayans quickly returned to form by not being funny in movies like Mo’ Money, The Great White Hype and Blankman.

“Wow, just hearing those names makes me embarrassed for his children,” said longtime ignorer Regina Chamberlain. “Maybe someone could just pay him to not make movies?”

It’s been so long since Wayans was funny, that most Americans—even African Americans who proudly declare love for Katt Williams—won’t admit to liking him.

There is a hope that with the new show Wayans can capture some of the magic that has rocketed former Color castmates like Carrey, Jennifer Lopez, Jamie Foxx and his younger brothers, Shawn and Marlon Wayans, to sustained superstardom. But he’s got a long road to climb.

“There’s a lot that’s funny about recovering alcoholics. After all, it worked quite hilariously for Sam on Cheers, so maybe it could work here,” said Time magazine TV critic James Poniewozik. “If only Damon Wayans wasn’t in it.”

Note: This article is satire, brought to you by the creative minds at The Peoples News. It’s not real, but we hope it made you think.

© 2008 The Peoples News

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By Bill Matthews

Clinton needs public assistance for her campaign–and her dinner table.

(NEW YORK) With her struggling presidential campaign millions of dollars in debt, Hillary Clinton revealed this morning that she has filed for public assistance.

“This just shows how committed I am to the working class who can’t afford health care or food without going into serious debt,” Clinton told The Peoples News this morning while downing a slice of government cheese. “I’ve become one of them.”

Most of Clinton’s debt is on her black America Express card, which has no limit. Its balance is now $5,207,830.22, according to records released by the Hillary 2008 Campaign. Some of the high priced items included ‘five cases of the L’Oreal face scrub,’ ‘the season 4 DVD of The Wire’ and ‘J. Wright’s speaking fee for the NAACP dinner.’

AMEX CEO Ken Chenault said his company was considering revoking Clinton’s card.

“She isn’t making an effort to pay it, she doesn’t return our calls, we’ve had to turn it over to creditors,” Chenault said. “I thought Bill was supposed to be the black one.”

The revelation about her debt came one day after Clinton was trounced in the North Carolina primary by Barack Obama, and only managed to eke out a narrow victory over the Illinois senator in Indiana, a state she expected to win handily.

Experts believe Clinton made the debt public so no one would think it odd this afternoon when she went to shop with Food Stamps at the Sav-A-Lot down the street from her Chappaqua home.

But the move might also be a ploy so sympathetic donors—namely, her husband, Bill—will once again dig deep into their pockets to finance her presidential run.

“This woman, she just won’t give up,” Bill Clinton said, before almost imperceptibly sighing and rolling his eyes.

His wife echoed the statement.

“I’ll be president no matter what it costs,” she says. “As long as someone else is footing the bill, I’ll run forever if I have to.”

Note: This article is satire, brought to you by the creative minds at The Peoples News. It’s not real, but we hope it made you think.

By Shawna Collier

Flava Flav is the new face of CP Time

(GENEVA, SWITZERLAND) The best minds in timekeeping have teamed with one of the best known clock-wearers to market a revolutionary new watch to African Americans, the Cellini Phoenix Time Piece.

Known as CP Time, the watch allows wearers to show up late, but act like they’re on time.

“Yeeeeaaahhhhhhhhhh BOYEEEEEEE!” Rolex’s celebrity partner, legendary hype man Flava Flav, told The Peoples News.

The exterior of CP Time gleams with a timeless beauty. It’s covered with a gold-colored alloy that turns green upon extended exposure to skin and sparkling chips around the perimeter that bring to mind diamonds. Inside is the latest technology in levers and gaskets that keep a time so precise that no matter where you are in the world, the watch is always 20 minutes slow.

“But now, G, you ain’t gotta be makin’ up no excuses about it, like ‘My moms was buggin’ or ‘My parole officer was buggin,’” said Flav, who wore a CP Time around his neck. “You just walk in and be like, yo’, look at my watch. FLAVA FLAV!”

Air traffic controller Brian Hackworth, who participated in a field test for Rolex, said CP Time kept him from getting fired last week.

“I was late and planes were just coming in from all over,” said Brian. “But I pointed to CP Time. My boss just laughed. He understood.”

Rolex’s spokesman made a statement in Swiss that sounded something like this: “A norshkin dorshkin dorshkin norshkin. Bork bork.”

Flav was similarly incoherent.

“You know what time it is!” he yelled repeatedly until passing out.

Note: This article is humor, brought to you by the creative minds at The Peoples News—and reader Brian Hackworth, who gave us the idea but, as far as we know, is always on time for work and is not an air traffic controller.

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By Shawna Collier

Fearing negative publicity, wedding vendors seek to distance themselves from Star and Al

(New York) After hearing the news that Star Jones has filed for divorce from Al Reynolds, wedding vendors who donated thousands of dollars worth of free products and services are demanding financial compensation.

“Those wedding vows said ‘Til death do us part’ and so does our contract with them,” Vera Miles, a spokeswoman for Lazaro Bridal company, which donated bridesmaids’ gowns, tells The Peoples News. “If there’s a breach in the contract, we need to be reimbursed.”

On November 13, 2004, the then co-host of The View and banker Reynolds exchanged vows in a star-studded affair at Saint Bartholomew’s Church in New York City that included 500 hundred guests, three matrons of honors, 12 bridesmaids and four flower girls.

Like most brides, Jones was consumed with planning the extravagant event and discussed at length on The View all the details, including the many the freebies wedding vendors were donating.

Companies such as invitation shop Encore Studios, tuxedo maker Sarno & Son and Lazaro Bridal donated products in hope of gaining publicity for their businesses. Continental Airlines was even onboard as the couple’s “official airline.”

Now that the marriage has taken a nosedive these companies are demanding to be compensated for the monetary value of their donations.

“Rightfully so,” says Becky Waddlesworth, editor of Bridezilla magazine. “What could be worse for a wedding vendor than to be associated with a failed marriage?”

Attorney Barry Schultz says it’s highly unlikely these vendors will see any money.

“These companies got their publicity,” says Schultz. “Star Jones talked about her wedding 24/7. In fact, her obsession with planning her wedding is what got her fired from The View.”

Note: This article is humor, brought to you by the creative minds at The Peoples News. It’s not real, but we hope it made you laugh.

© 2008 The Peoples News

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