Humor, Satire

Kobe Bryant Admits He’s No Michael Jordan

By Bob Meadows

Kobe proves once more that he can’t live up to MJ

(LOS ANGELES) Kobe Bryant stood before the podium this morning, at a loss for words. It was an uncharacteristic sight—the Laker guard is always good for a quote. But he never regained his composure, and only spoke afterward in an exclusive interview with The Peoples News.

“I finally admit it,” he said, as he slumped in the trainer’s room. “I will never match Michael Jordan.”

The admission was shocking. Since entering the NBA in 1996, Bryant, through his speech patterns, his laserlike focus on improving, and his intolerance for lazy, less talented teammates, has patterned himself after Jordan. He has always hoped to even surpass Jordan—but his statistics, while incredible when matched up against anyone else, pale in comparison to his idol.

That was never more apparent recently, when Bryant’s wife, Vanessa, announced she was divorcing him. Her reason: Bryant had sex with 105 women during their 10-year marriage.

Kobe haters scoffed.

“Jordan slept with way more than 10 women a year when he was married,” said Connecticut native and 1990s Bulls maniac Ron Berry. “Kobe really ain’t shit.”

“God, I hate Kobe,” said Keith Murphy, a diehard Chicago fan who has “23” tattooed on his ankle. “Even when it comes to bagging hoes, he can’t match Mike.”

Bryant admitted as much this morning.

“I knew Mike had really put in his time with the ladies on the side. I knew he had them all over Chicago and one in every port on the road, but I couldn’t do it,” Bryant said. “If only Seattle hadn’t moved to Memphis. I know I could’ve bagged more chicks up there. Asian women love me.”

Bryant does take pride in how well he covered his tracks. After being accused of raping a woman in 2003, he gave his wife a ginormous diamond to buy her silence. Oops. I mean that indicated he had learned the error of cheating. Friends say he was faithful to Vanessa for the first few hours after giving her the diamond. But then one of his buddies called.

“Yeah, it was me who called him,” Tiger Woods told TPN. “I wasn’t even married at the time, so you know I was buggin’ the hell out.”

The two men decided to chase Jordan together, but the fabled Bull was still putting up solid numbers as he moved around the country.

“We couldn’t catch him,” Bryant said, his tone wistful. The longer he spoke, the more he seemed to accept that he would never catch Jordan in scoring average, universal recognition as the greatest player ever, or hoes bagged. But he would still try to win as many NBA titles—Kobe has five rings, while Jordan tallied six.

“At least that’s something,” he said. “I guess my career won’t be a total failure if I can get that sixth one.”

In related news, the ghost of Wilt Chamberlain sent TPN a text message: Jordan/Kobe=amateurs.

© 2011 The Peoples News

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Discussion

One thought on “Kobe Bryant Admits He’s No Michael Jordan

  1. Okay ,I’m still recovering from the sheer hilarity of this article. That’s a good look Bill.

    Posted by Lou | December 29, 2011, 9:57 am

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