Satire, Television

Black Charlie’s Angel Prepares For Third Banana Role

By Bob Meadows

Charlie’s Angels stars Rachael Taylor, Minka Kelly, and the black one.

(HOLLYWOOD) She’s got a big smile, long legs, curly hair and a spot on a primetime network show, but unfortunately for the black girl on Charlie’s Angels, she’s paired with two white girls. While Rachael Taylor and Minka Kelly will undoubtedly take the country by storm, the black one is destined to be a sexless accessory who will make Kate Jackson’s original neutered Angel look like an overworked geisha.

“I’ve seen previews and the black Angel is really good at giving a thumbs up when some hot guy ignores her to talk to the white Angels,” Damon Wayans, who starred on In Living Color, a show that spoofed irrelevant black cast members, told The Peoples News. “The performance is classic third wheel black girl.”

The black Angel is well prepared for her role as third banana. She studied the nuances of the black girl no one remembers from the first season of Melrose Place as well as the black singles on The Bachelor series

“I learned that to be a really good third wheel, you have to smile a lot and try to sound as white as you can,” said the woman, who reminded me that her name was Annie Ilonzeh. “My name on the show is Kate and it’s spelled K-A-T-E, just like the way white people would spell it. So you know how it’s going to be.”

Her performance astounded those familiar with the show.

“I developed this show, and I didn’t even realize there was a black Angel in it until seeing the dailies,” said Alvin Gough, who developed the show. “The whole time I was putting it together, I thought it was just about Minka and Rachael.”

Creators of The Playboy Club had the same reaction, when their show was advertised on BET. In those commercials, one of the ‘bunnies’ is shown as a black woman, something that isn’t so prominent in ads on any other station. One of the producers  called BET, complaining that they were showing fake ads, until her secretary explained the ads used actual footage from the show.

The black Angel, meanwhile, is as pretty, if not prettier than her co-stars. But she won’t make any ‘hottest’ lists—one of her co-stars is blonde, for goodness sakes—and People magazine is already preparing to ignore her in its ‘Most Beautiful’ issue. Paparazzi won’t follow her around. No one will care who she dates. Any causes she promotes better have one of her co-stars pushing them too.

She’ll be in good company, however.

“It’s kind of like how Mark Harmon was the heartthrob on St. Elsewhere, even though Denzel Washington—Denzel Washington—was in the cast,” said TV historian David Brinkley. “Some things don’t make sense.”

Despite everything, the black Angel remains excited about her career.

“If this works out for me, hopefully I can get into movies,” said the woman, reminding us again that her name is Annie Ilonzeh. “I’ve always wanted to play Scarlet Johannson’s hip but non-threatening best friend.”

© 2011 The Peoples News



5 thoughts on “Black Charlie’s Angel Prepares For Third Banana Role

  1. Ha! Funny.

    Maybe she can take some tips from Ernie Hudson, the irrelevant black Ghostbuster with no speaking lines from either movie.

    …damn, you’d think they would’ve at least sent the brother to investigate “The House of Dies Drear” or something!!

    Posted by Lou | September 22, 2011, 9:25 am
  2. This is exactly why black people need to make their own movies. If Spike Lee or John Singleton or Tyler Perry want to call me please do. I’ve got all kinds of ideas for black characters and not just ones that are confined to the Ghetto. We need to branch out people!!!!

    Posted by donalda | September 22, 2011, 6:22 pm
  3. The original Charlies’ Angels was developed as a starring vehicle for Kate Jackson. We know how that worked out: Farrah Fawcett hi-jacked the show!
    Tell sister to take a page from Farrah’s notebook and get to hi-jacking!

    Posted by Phyllis | September 23, 2011, 2:05 am
  4. Did anyone get her name?

    Posted by Stephan | September 23, 2011, 3:07 pm
  5. What? There’s a black one?

    Posted by hanmeng | September 25, 2011, 7:31 pm

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