Satire

Serena Williams Will Kick Your Ass

By Bill Matthews

It’s go time!

(MIAMI) Fresh off her out-of-control diatribe at the U.S. Open, Serena Williams announced she is leaving tennis to kick some ass.

“Your boyfriend is cheating on you? I’ll kick his ass. Your boss won’t give you that raise? I’ll kick his ass. Your kid is doing bad in school? I’ll kick his ass,” Serena told The Peoples News this morning in a phone interview, as we were afraid that she would kick our ass.

“There are people in this world who need their asses kicked, and I’m just the woman to do it,” said Williams, who is 5-10 and 170 pounds of delicious, ass-kicking muscle. “I’m a sex symbol, but I’m also in great shape and, unlike other sex symbols, can truly kick your ass. Angelina Jolie? I’d snap her in two. Sophie Vergara. Break her in half. Halle Berry? Squish her puny head like a grape.”

Williams said she has already been hired to kick some ass.

“I can’t reveal the person who hired me, but let’s just say Swizz Beatz can expect my size 9s to be kicking his ass pretty soon,” Williams said.

Williams became addicted to kicking ass a year ago, when Cleveland Cavaliers fans reached out to her to kick the ass of Lebron James. Williams said she enjoyed kicking his ass so much that she decided to do it full time.

“I need to be truly devoted to my art of kicking your ass if I’m going to be the best there ever was,” she said.

Cavaliers fan Eric Martin said he was excited by Williams’ new venture.

“She’s always been kind of an ass kicker anyway, and I think most of us who’ve followed her have always wondered what would happen if Serena truly went off on someone,” Martin said. “She did, after all, grow up in Compton, so it’s not a surprise how much she likes to fight.”

Compton residents immediately responded that they were offended by that remark.

Williams, though, said she will kick ass for as long as she can, provided it doesn’t interfere with her other true passion: being haughtily dismissive of tennis judges who don’t call things her way.

“Even though I’m retired from tennis, I will always go off on those judges,” she said.

© 2011 The Peoples News

Advertisements

Discussion

3 thoughts on “Serena Williams Will Kick Your Ass

  1. Kick-ass article!

    Posted by Tom | September 14, 2011, 9:25 am
  2. I’m afraid of her. If I saw her coming down the hall, I wouldn’t even look at her, I wouldn’t even look her way. She is a total hater, and that’s not cool. She is unattractive inside and out of control. Seriously peoples, she seems like the type who would screw you over, so just look the other way.

    Posted by Renee | September 14, 2011, 12:24 pm
  3. How much does she charge?

    Posted by donalda | September 22, 2011, 6:25 pm

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

The Peoples News on Twitter

The People’s News Archive

invisible hit counter
%d bloggers like this: