Humor, Relationships, Satire

Entire World Prays the Baby Looks Like Beyonce

By Bill Matthews

Please Lord, let the baby look like his or her mama

(HOUSTON) Every war, every conflict in the world has come to a halt, as people everywhere have found an issue they can all agree on: that Beyonce and Jay-Z’s baby look like his mother.

“If there is a God in Heaven, the baby will come out resembling her and not him,” former South African President Nelson Mandela told The Peoples News. “It is only fair to all of us.”

Beyonce announced before MTV’s Video Music Awards that she was pregnant, and following her performance, rubbed her belly as the audience howled its approval. But there was an undercurrent of fear. Beyonce is regarded as one of music’s great beauties, while Jay, who was in the audience looking as proud as could be, is not.

“Is there any chance she had an affair, perhaps with that model who knocked up Halle Berry?” wondered Muammar Gaddhafi, who emerged from his hiding spot in Tripoli after hearing of the pregnancy.

Not likely. Since their wedding three years ago, Beyonce and Jay have never spoken publicly about their marriage, but have been each other’s biggest supporter.

Still, the concern stems from previous ‘beauty and beast’ couplings that resulted in ugly children. Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston’s daughter resembles her father, who is ugly, rather than her beautiful mother. Similarly, Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez’s twins look like their ugly father.

People all over the world are hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst.

“We knew when Beyonce married Jay that there was a 50- to 75-percent chance her children would be ugly,” said former First Lady Laura Bush. “But now that we’ve reached that bridge, we’re really pulling for them.”

While two ugly people are expected to have ugly children, and beautiful people are expected to have beautiful children (see Berry’s daughter, Nahla), the ugly-beautiful coupling is a true crapshoot. Houston’s looks were thought to have gone to waste by her coupling with Brown, especially since she didn’t have any other children. Lopez’s twins, everyone hopes, will grow out of their ugly stage and take on their mother’s looks.

Despite the fear for the unborn child’s physical appearance, billionaire Carlos Slim realizes the situation could be worse.

“At least she’s not married to Lil Wayne,” he said, shuddering at the thought.

© 2011 The Peoples News



23 thoughts on “Entire World Prays the Baby Looks Like Beyonce

  1. Awwww man, y’all killed it! See Billy Joel and Christy Brinkley’s baby for a white example of this. Looks like most of the time ugly prevails.

    Posted by Lou | August 29, 2011, 12:36 pm
  2. Another hating ass website.. who give to damns who this baby looks like it could look like subaka for all I care.. as long as the baby is a healthy bounceing baby boy of girl I don’t care about anything else.. the child is a black sista or brotha I know for sure that baby is going to be a beautiful black king of queen.. and anybody else who don’t agree can kick rocks..

    The Peoples News responds: Google didn’t really help, so please enlighten me: What is a ‘subaka’? Anyone? I’m wondering if Lisa meant ‘Chewbacca’?

    Posted by lisa | August 29, 2011, 11:30 pm
  3. What are y’all talking about? Jay-Z is not the handsome in the traditional sense, but he is a sexy man and I totally see why Beyonce was attracted to him (I’m not talking bout the money)… I can say this–Beyonce is Creole–as I am–and I’m predicting that the little one will look more like his daddy who has the dominant black features…

    Posted by Celine | August 30, 2011, 12:31 am
  4. Man that was too funny!

    Posted by Kc | August 30, 2011, 3:29 am
  5. This article is so ironic because I was thinking the same thing when I first heard her news. Since Beyonce looks more like her mom than her dad, maybe her genes will be stronger than Jay-Z’s.

    Posted by Leroy | August 30, 2011, 10:30 am
    • Hardly, her farther has less broader features than her husband. If I know anything about genetic variation is that it would take a miracle for this one to look borderline standard in this generation of superficial society. And as for Celine’s comment, In all honesty I would have more common sense to overlook a man that looks like Jay who’ll approach me , I don’t care if he has a nice personality, but that doesn’t mean I’ll go for arse holes. Attractive genes can pass on , personality doesn’t. They better pray its a boy because there is no way a daughter with Jay’s features will get publicity following the same career path as her mother without being ridiculed, no matter how much her parents cash the media. I mean have you ever seen Jay’s sister before and wonder why she doesn’t get as much public attention as Solange?

      I saw her picture and LOLOLOLOL I thought it was him in a pantomime dress. at first glance…

      Posted by Shannon | September 2, 2011, 10:41 pm
  6. I am totally shocked and ashamed how superficial people can be. A baby is a blessing from God. For people to sit around and have nothing to do but to talk about what the baby is going to look like. That is truly hatred and a selfish, evil spirited thing to do. Is this what the world has resulted to? Crushing someone’s happiness. Those two are so estatic that they are expecting their first child and then media and publications are sent via web, who they hoped the baby would look like. God hates ugly spirited thoughts. What comes around goes around. Don’t curse yourself with the ugly thoughts that you bestow on someone else. Otherwise people, check yourself.

    Posted by Trish | August 30, 2011, 11:19 am
    • Well what do you expect, thats what the media have sold us, haven’t you heard anything about telly aspiration . And if the universe hones billions of planets, I doubt some god would give 2 shits towards poorly evolved species such as ourselves.

      Posted by Shannon | September 2, 2011, 11:01 pm
  7. I pray and hope that the baby will take all it’s features from Beyonce because if it looks anything like Jay-Z that would be a child that is going to get teased a lot.

    Posted by Alicia Whyte | August 30, 2011, 8:45 pm
  8. Beyonce is a beautiful woman. Jay z is not the most good looking man in the world but I believe the baby will look just fine. Everybody should stop talking about that unborn baby and just let it grow and be ready to come into the world. If the baby isn’t born with the best looks with all the money the parents have I’m sure that can be taken care of cosmetically.

    Posted by joy | August 30, 2011, 11:25 pm
  9. Jay Z is not a bad looking man. My hopes and dreams for this child include: that he never shoots one of his relatives, never stabs a co-worker, doesn’t get involved in drug trafficking or turf wars, and God please, don’t let him throw around the ‘n’ word like it’s confetti. Please Lord, bless this child with a respect for women and authority.

    Posted by Renee | September 2, 2011, 12:42 pm
  10. I wanna slap the fuck outta the person that wrote this. A: Marcy Anthony isn’t UGLY! U have no idea what true ugliness is. Jennifer lopez’s kids aren’t bad looking at all. Now I know what your thinking “An ugly person probably wrote this” BUT I AM NOT UGLY!! Now what if Lopez’s daughter reads this when she grows up ? DO U KNOW HOW BAD SHE WILL FEEL! U should be ashamed of yourself. Whocares!! What they look like!! Looks AREN’t everything, If I was Beyonce and I read this, I would come and find you and slap the fuck outta the person that wrote this. GET A LIFE AND GET A JOB! STOP BASHING PEOPLES CHILDREN!! GROW SOME BALLS!! This is what the world has come to?? The headline of this story is “ENTIRE WORD PRAYS” seriously dude, praying??? CHILDREN ARE A JOY!!! I admit Jay Z isn’t the best looking black man in the world, but hes not ugly. So shut the fuck up.

    Posted by Arena | September 4, 2011, 10:29 pm
    • wow! I guess she told you! I am rejoicing right now because I feel like I am not your most annoying commenter any more.
      Honestly, I think in 10 years, when Baby Jay be reading up on old stuff (which children are incline to do) he is gonna be like “Damn! I was making news before I was ever born! I am even hotter than I thought! Peoples News, the most awesome site ever, thought me news worthy. Damn!”
      yep, that’s how I think it is gonna happen.

      The Peoples News responds: We love all our readers, Renee, even those who want to slap the fuck out of us. And we do NOT find you annoying!!!

      Posted by Renee | September 7, 2011, 12:26 pm
  11. I WISH!
    It was just a joke. A friendly jab so you know I think about you during the day. 😉

    The Peoples News responds: I believe we have our first reader love connection.

    Posted by Renee | September 14, 2011, 3:13 pm
  12. Are y’all gonna pay for the date like Chuck Woolery used to? If so I’m going to need about $18 for a couple’ a KFC 3-pieces.

    I like to go a little classy on the first date…

    Posted by Lou | September 20, 2011, 9:53 am
  13. We don’t want them to have a girl for sure. A boy can be ugly, that doesn’t screw up his chances much in life. Mr. Camel…I mean Daddy, is proof of that. But an ugly girl with a beautiful mom? That’s a messed up situation any way you look at it.

    Posted by donalda | September 22, 2011, 6:35 pm
  14. Beyonce’s baby will be beautiful, the baby will have Tina Knowles features, the Knowles family gene will dominate the Carter gene. Everyone will see, anyway it’s a precious little baby.

    Posted by JOCELYN | January 14, 2012, 12:01 pm

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