Satire

Tea Party Politicians Don’t Understand Politics

By Bill Matthews

Joe Walsh, Michele Bachmann and Rand Paul just don’t get it, say political veterans

(WASHINGTON D.C.) Republican and Democrat leaders are lining up to kick Tea Party members out of Congress.

“These people are dangerous and have no understanding of how the political system works and, most important, how a politician works,” Republican House leader John Boehner told The Peoples News this morning, as, in an unusual move, he stood arm in arm with Democratic Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. “They are an affront to the American people.”

At issue, say leaders from both parties, is that Tea Party members ran for office saying they would not support taxes increases—and they haven’t.

“That’s not the American Way,” Reid said. “These people have been in office for months now. Months! And they’re not supporting tax increases—hell, they’re actually pushing for us to lower taxes, if you can believe that—just because they made some silly campaign promises to do that very thing. That is not politics.”

Nancy Pelosi explained that the usual U.S. politician says whatever he or she needs to get elected, and then, once in office, compromises almost every position they took during the campaign. George H.W. Bush gave Dan Quayle actual responsibilities, Bill Clinton had relations with women who were way less hot than Marilyn Monroe, and George W. Bush destroyed the fabric of the nation, which they all pinkie swore to not do.

Harvard smart person Gary Scheff said politicians should compromise in order to accomplish anything. Otherwise, you have the potential for gridlock, and issues that drag on for weeks and months and become so incredibly annoying that you eventually don’t give a rat’s ass how they turn out.

But Tea Party members are having none of it.

“My parents taught me to keep my promises, and so, I figured it was important that I stick by my word,” said Colorado’s Mike Coffman, who has sworn fealty to the Party.”That’s what we’re supposed to be doing, right?”

Arizona Senator John McCain turned red as the blood of an aborted fetus when told about Coffman’s comment.

“That is such a juvenile position. Bizarro. We may as well let children run Congress,” he said. “I’ve gone against campaign promises so many times that I write my speeches on Etch-a-Sketches now. We have to compromise, or the system doesn’t work.”

McCain did agree, however, with the viewpoint expressed by Senator Chuck Schumer, that the Tea Party has the coolest political name. “The words just go together,” Schumer said admiringly. “Kind of like if you’re an entertainer and called yourself Crystal Waters. Very cool. I wish that was our name, instead of Democrats.”

Missouri’s Vicky Hartzler, herself a Tea Party favorite, explained that her party is for the people, of the people and by the people.

“There’s no compromise in us, no backing down. We’re doing what we said we would do—take back this country from the RINOs who started this ruin and the Democratcs who continue it,” she said. “We promise.”

© 2011 The Peoples News

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Discussion

6 thoughts on “Tea Party Politicians Don’t Understand Politics

  1. Thanks for protecting those job creators, guys!

    As we all know, the US economy is in no way consumer driven. Nope–economic success just emerges spontaneously in the immediate area of brilliant wealthy people just like in those Ayn Rand novels! Now that we’ve preserved their 4% tax cuts the rich will start generating jobs like gangbusters…wait for it….any day now….

    Posted by Lou | August 8, 2011, 9:48 am
  2. Excellent observations. As usual. Which is why I trust The Peoples News above all others.

    Posted by twhitsett1 | August 8, 2011, 10:15 am
  3. Love it!

    Posted by Connie | August 8, 2011, 12:01 pm
  4. Is there anybody out there that can run this country? I don’t care what they call themselves, just get us out of this Godforsaken mess

    Posted by Elizabeth | August 8, 2011, 7:29 pm
  5. In the words of Jack Johnson:

    Now what you gonna do?
    Bad news, misused,
    Got too much to lose
    Gimme some truth
    Now whose side are we on?
    Whatever you say
    Turn on the boob tube
    I’m in the mood to obey
    So lead me astray by the way, now

    Where’d all the good people go?
    I’ve been changing channels
    I don’t see them on the TV shows
    Where’d all the good people go?
    We got heaps and heaps of what we sow

    Posted by Renee | August 9, 2011, 9:23 am

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