By Bill Matthews
(WOODBURY, MN) Michele Bachmann has drafted a bill to bring back slavery. The Congresswoman hopes to reverse the 13th amendment, which put a stop to the practice in 1864.
Bachmann got the idea recently, after she signed a document that indicated African American families were better off during slavery. She didn’t actually read the document before signing it, but after hearing media reports about the section concerning blacks during slavery, Bachmann had a brainstorm.
“Well, once I thought about it, I realized that the blacks really were better off back then. They had free room and board, they had steady work, they could be raped at any minute by a white person, they loved their masters,” Bachmann told The Peoples News. “We would be doing the blacks a favor if we re-instituted a national policy that kept them off the streets.”
Bachmann also realized that while blacks were better off during slavery, whites were really better off.
“Can you imagine how cool it would be to own someone and make them do whatever you want?” Bachmann said. “If Gone With The Wind has taught us anything, and I think it has, it would be totally wicked!”
The Tea Party hadn’t decided whether to support Bachmann’s proposal.
“Does it raise taxes? Does it lower taxes? We need some hard numbers before we get behind something like this,” said Tea Party spokesman Kellie Martin. “We won’t support anything that raises taxes. We mean that.”
Bachmann said under her plan, anyone could be a slave, regardless of their sexual orientation, religion, sexuality or national origin, so long as they’re black.
“I hope we get some volunteers so we can have a trial run,” she said. Then referring to her hometown Minnesota Vikings, she added, “I hope I get Adrian Peterson.”
NAACP President Ben Jealous was dumbfounded. Or actually, he said he found Bachmann to be dumb.
“She signed the document without reading it? Well it’s a good thing presidents don’t have to comprehend and sign lengthy documents,” Jealous said. “Oh wait.”
Bachmann promised that she would read everything she signs from now on, but said she would have to brush up on her comprehension skills.
“Then someday, hopefully, I can get so good at reading that I teach it to my very own slave mammy. Secretly, of course. I wouldn’t want her to be sold away from me,” Bachmann said. Then she added wistfully, “A girl can dream.”
© 2011 The Peoples News