By Bill Matthews
(WASHINGTON, D.C.) Less than halfway through his first term, President Obama’s openly gay appointees have smashed a record.
That record is Take Five by the Dave Brubeck Quartet.
“I hate that record so much, so I’m glad it’s been smashed,” Denis Dison, spokesman for the Presidential Appointments Project of the Gay & Lesbian Leadership Institute, told The Peoples News as he toured the Washington D.C. record store where the smashing took place.
The vandalism was not completely unexpected. Obama has appointed so many openly gay people to his administration (about 150, according to gay activists—far more than any other president) that many are sitting around with nothing to do. So they find other ways to occupy themselves, many of them destructive. In the last few months, gays have broken vases, smeared windows with eggs and mercilessly teased Bo, the first dog.
“You know what they say: ‘Gays will be gays,'” said Carroll Blake, federal director of all things menial. “They look for things to do. Record smashing is just one of the ways idle gays occupy themselves.”
The multitude of Obama’s openly gay appointees has helped quell broader disappointment among gay rights groups that the president has not ended the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy that bans gays from serving openly in the military. Conservatives don’t want Obama to change the law, saying openly gay people would destroy morale in the armed forces.
“It’s much better to pretend there are no gays so you don’t really know who’s gay and who isn’t,” said Sarah Palin, who needs no introduction.
Dison said the gay appointees have been hoping for some time to smash records. They tried to smash Counting Crows’ The Ghost In You but failed. After unsuccessful attempts to smash records by The Carolina Chocolate Drops and Nicki Minaj, they were finally able to destroy the Dave Brubeck classic.
Dison hinted the record-smashing might not be over. Gays hope Obama will appoint the first openly gay person to a Cabinet secretary position. Should that happen, no record would be safe, he said.
“Then we’ll be able to smash some really popular stuff that I hate,” Dison said, lifting his chin toward a Born in the USA CD on a far counter.
This article is satire, brought to you by the creative minds at The Peoples News.