I have a new crush. She’s perky, she’s brunette, she’s a member of the Tea Party, and best of all, she’s had a midnight picnic on a satanic altar.
I’m speaking, of course, about Christine O’Donnell. Ever since this little minx popped into the Delaware political scene, my heart has been more on fire than usual. Yes, she’s a conservative C word. (No, not the one that rhymes with ‘runt.’ All these years later, I still refuse to acknowledge the influence of ol’ Yeshua, the contractor’s son). But I can’t let a little thing like that come between me and someone who actually made this admission:
“One of my first dates with a witch was on a satanic altar, and I didn’t know it. I mean, there’s little blood there and stuff like that. We went to a movie and then had a little midnight picnic on a satanic altar.”
Be still my heart.
It’s so rare that anyone will actually admit the pact they’ve made with me. It’s all ‘I just got lucky John thought a MILF would make a fine vice president’ or ‘the guys thought I was a better drummer than Pete Best.’ No one ever mentions the paeans they made to me. But Christine went right there. She didn’t hide me at all. “How many of you didn’t hang out with questionable folks in high school?” Yes! Exactly! How bold! How vibrant!
If only I had been there. How many in her audience raised a hand? How many of them laughed, nervously or otherwise? And those who did, were they thinking about hanging out by the bleachers drinking 40s, or were they imagining the time that they had a picnic on a satanic altar?
Hell, some of the people were certainly C word conservatives like her. And those folks have actually held Harry Potter book burnings. You know, because they promote magic. And yet my beloved Christine had the gumption, the nerve to joke about her brief foray into my realm.
I don’t care what she stands for. Not one whit. All politicians lie. She’s a politician. She lies. If anyone thinks she’s going to join your government and not compromise every promise she’s made, then they haven’t been paying attention to politics in the last 3,000 years. Roll back taxes? And fix the deficit? Good luck. Control the crazy spending. She’s so cute when she makes proclamations!
Christine, I don’t use the word ‘love’ often. But, listen you little Palin Without The Glasses, this is one little devil who says if you ever want to come lay on my altar, I’ll make it hot for you.
—Lucifer Morningstar, guest essayist
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