Humor, Legal, politics, Satire

Government, Private Industry Vow To Learn Nothing From Katrina

By Bill Matthews

It will happen again. Soon, most likely

(WASHINGTON D.C.) Five years after failing levees turned Hurricane Katrina from a nasty storm into a killer, the government has promised that in times of great disaster, its response will still be hit or miss. Big business, meanwhile, says it will keep raping the public for as long as it can get away with it.

“We might do some things different, we might not. It all depends on how fast we can mobilize and whether we have competent people on the ground,” President Obama told The Peoples News. “But learn anything new? Of course not.”

The government was harshly criticized for its incompetent response following Katrina. Then President George Bush showed up in New Orleans four weeks after the damage, chugging 1787 Chateau Lafite from a golden goblet. Obama has tried to respond a bit quicker, as he did during the BP oil spill, when he sent Jermaine Jackson’s hair to soak up the mess.

Even so, when the next disaster rolls around, the government says it won’t be any more prepared.

“We haven’t even checked on levees in other states, anywhere. We’ve barely looked at those in New Orleans,” said Maj. Quinton Palmer, spokesman for the Army Corps of Engineers. “There was a lot of people talking and hand-wringing and finger pointing back in 2005, but nobody meant anything by it. We knew if we just bided our time people would forget.”

Similarly, hundreds of companies right now are skirting regulations that will soon result in numerous deaths and financial implosions. They know they’re doing it, they’ve seen how bad it all goes once it blows up (literally, in BP’s case), but they’re not going to stop until it’s too late.

“The little guy will get hurt, the government official regulating us will be fired, Congress will pass a bunch of laws, we will sound contrite, but not too contrite. You know the routine as well as we do,” said Baron Von Moneypacker of Big Private Company Ltd., lighting his cigar with pages torn out of a Bible. “And then, in time, we will learn how to skirt those new regulations.”

Moneypacker said no one should be surprised.

Our goal is to make as much money as we can before it all comes crashing down, which it does with some regularity. And we will do everything we can to make our money,” he said, wiping his hands on a Chiru antelope engineered to fart shahtoosh.

Hearing Moneypacker’s words gave a chill to many people who believe private industry is better than the government, in the same way Palmer’s words frightened those who think the government is the great watchdog.

“It’s almost as if both sides are regupterated,” said Sarah Palin. No one quite knew the word she was searching for, but her meaning was clear nonetheless.

© 2010 The Peoples News

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Discussion

2 thoughts on “Government, Private Industry Vow To Learn Nothing From Katrina

  1. It would be funny if it weren’t so sad.

    Posted by Stephan | August 31, 2010, 8:43 am
  2. Perfect reporting m’dear Matthews. I was going to write this same article, word for word, but before I could finish my fortifying liquid stimulant and put quill to parchment, you plagiarized what I was thinking. I take no offense; saved me a bit of toil, you did, which is a capital thing.
    Yours etc., etc. & etc.,
    Lord Lunch
    Hamsammich Castle
    Worcestershiresauce, England

    Posted by Lord Lunch | August 31, 2010, 8:39 pm

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