Humor, Satire

Laura Schlessinger’s Rap Album Due Next Month

By Bill Matthews

Dr. L instructs the crowd to wave their hands in the air, wave them like they just don’t care.

(NEWARK) The arena goes dim and the crowd of 15,000 screeches with anticipation.

Suddenly, halogen lights burst and a small woman appears, silhouetted against a white frame.

“Where my niggas at?” Laura “Dr. L” Schlessinger asks. She has finally made her entrance.

“Nigga nigga nigga, my pockets gettin’ bigga bigga bigga,” she raps, launching into her hit song, “Whiteys Sayin’ Nigga.” The crowd, mostly black teens, sings along. “I figga figga figga, down with Jigga Jigga Jigga,” an ode to Jay-Z who guest rapped on the song.

The crowd, sensing Jay-Z’s appearance, somehow grows louder. But instead of Hova, a special guest emerges: Mel Gibson.

“Bitch, cunt, whore, gold digger! You look like a fucking pig in heat and if you get raped by a pack of niggas,” Gibson rapps as the crowd sang along.

Schlessinger then joins him on the chorus: “I don’t have any fucking money! Fuckin’ user! You fuckin’ used me! I will never forgive you! I don’t trust you! I don’t love you! I don’t want you!”

“I been in this motherfucka a long time, nigga,” Schlessinger tells the crowd between songs. “Me and all my niggas up in this bitch.”

With her pants buckled below her waist, Schlessinger struts across the stage. She is in complete command.

“Turn on HBO, you nappy headed ho, and listen to a black comic. Makes me vomit,” she raps in her song, “Old Bitches, New Hos.” “All you hear is nigga, nigga, nigga. But I don’t get it. I’ma wet it. If anybody without enough melanin says it, bless it. It’s a horrible thing, my nigga king. But when black people say it, it’s a fuck, a fuck, a fuck shoe nate. Affectionate. A section 8. I can’t wait. It’s very confusing.”

The crowd is in a frenzy. Schlessinger, on a huge publicity tour for her next album, It’s Very Confusing, which drops next month, works herself into a N-word related froth. She pretends to eat one of the giant fried chicken props and slides down a watermelon-shaped slide.

And when she reaches the bottom, Michael Richards explodes out of the rind.

“Fifty years ago we’d have you upside down with a fucking fork up your ass,” he chimes, before rapping the chorus with Schlessinger: “You can talk, you can talk, you’re brave now motherfucker. Throw his ass out. He’s a nigga! He’s a nigga! He’s a nigga! A nigga, look, there’s a nigga!”

The next day, Schlessinger goes on radio to apologize for her language. Richards does the same on David Letterman. Gibson? He doesn’t give a fuck.

© 2010 The Peoples News



3 thoughts on “Laura Schlessinger’s Rap Album Due Next Month

  1. So, yes, I find it offensive if anyone uses the N-word, so why is it ok for black people to use it? It’s NOT!!!

    Posted by Michael Davis | August 18, 2010, 8:49 am
  2. It never ceases to amaze me how liberals run with this stuff. Whenever someone caucasian uses the word NIGGER (which by the way I do not find the word offensive ~ it is just a word) the libs go crazy and they publicize and overly hype the issue only so they can continue to say the word themselves in a hidden agenda.

    Then the “Black Leaders” get all empowered! The Cable News goes crazy for ratings finding the best black libs to “represent” but when it comes to issues that Black folks really need to highlight, you can’t get these Cable News outlets to move. I guess Black folks in this country are still buying “cold” ice from the liberals.

    Posted by Black Republican | August 18, 2010, 10:02 am
  3. Dr. Laura be spittin’ that hot fire!

    But honestly has anyone ever listened to conservative talk radio? This is par for the course really. Not the use of racial epithets per se, but the racist sentiment is.
    And to Mr. Davis up there–don’t worry about it! While i do personally wish black folks would drop this word–hearing someone else use it is no excuse. Gays and Jews will also make self-deprecating jokes about themselves, do you honestly think it’s okay for you to chime in if you’re not a part of that group?

    Posted by Lou | August 18, 2010, 10:12 am

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