By Bill Matthews
(MINNEAPOLIS) Prince Rogers Nelson has made a career out of singing from the crotch, but now it seems like he’s decided to just be crotchety. The Artist Formerly Known As Relevant recently declared that the Internet is oh so yesterday and he wouldn’t use it anymore.
“What in tarnation is this, these Internets?” Nelson told The Peoples News as he sat in his suburban Minneapolis mansion. “It’s over and done with now. It’s outdated. Like MTV. ”
The Artist Formerly Known As a Hit Maker said he had a whole list of outdated items that he could have compared the Internet to, including telephone booths, Liquid Paper, MySpace and carbon paper. But he decided to use MTV as a reference because, “They refused to show my 1999 video.”
Nelson then looked out his window, shook his fist and yelled at a bunch of kids to get off his lawn. They ran away, screaming about “Old Man Nelson.”
Millions and millions of people scan the Internet everyday, relishing a chance to view the latest funny video, embrace porn, reconnect with a classmate they haven’t seen in 30 years, procrastinate at work and, most important, enjoy The Peoples News.
Nelson, though, refuses to get with the program. He and his lawyers make sure none of his videos appear on youtube and now, he refuses to make his music available on the web.
“Not that anyone was buying my latest music in any other forms either, but that’s not the point,” said Nelson, who hasn’t made a good song since “Gett Off” in 1991. His seven most recent albums, which were released over a three-week period in May, have sold 206 copies combined.
The two record stores that remain in business in America said they were happy Nelson is letting them have a monopoly on selling his albums.
“We don’t get many Prince fans in here, but I’m sure we might now,” said John Kysewski, who owns Blues & Rhythm in Needlebum, Ark.
Al Gore, who invented the Internet in 1998, insisted the Internet is not over, and wished Nelson “would get a life.”
“You know what’s over? Grown men wearing high heels and more rouge than Joan Rivers. That’s what’s over,” said Gore. “I mean, yeah, it was cute in the 80s. But how old is Prince now? 52? Well I think it’s about time he starts wearing grownup clothes, don’t you?”
Nelson, when told about Gore’s comment, pursed his lips, batted his eyes, and then spouted some pseudo-cryptic bullshit that no one could understand.
© 2010 The Peoples News