African American, Black men, Humor, Media, Music

Earth to Prince: We Loves Us Some Internet

By Bill Matthews

Two, or is it one, steps from crazy?

(MINNEAPOLIS) Prince Rogers Nelson has made a career out of singing from the crotch, but now it seems like he’s decided to just be crotchety. The Artist Formerly Known As Relevant recently declared that the Internet is oh so yesterday and he wouldn’t use it anymore.

“What in tarnation is this, these Internets?” Nelson told The Peoples News as he sat in his suburban Minneapolis mansion. “It’s over and done with now. It’s outdated. Like MTV. ”

The Artist Formerly Known As a Hit Maker said he had a whole list of outdated items that he could have compared the Internet to, including telephone booths, Liquid Paper, MySpace and carbon paper. But he decided to use MTV as a reference because, “They refused to show my 1999 video.”

Nelson then looked out his window, shook his fist and yelled at a bunch of kids to get off his lawn. They ran away, screaming about “Old Man Nelson.”

Millions and millions of people scan the Internet everyday, relishing a chance to view the latest funny video, embrace porn, reconnect with a classmate they haven’t seen in 30 years, procrastinate at work and, most important, enjoy The Peoples News.

Nelson, though, refuses to get with the program. He and his lawyers make sure none of his videos appear on youtube and now, he refuses to make his music available on the web.

“Not that anyone was buying my latest music in any other forms either, but that’s not the point,” said Nelson, who hasn’t made a good song since “Gett Off” in 1991. His seven most recent albums, which were released over a three-week period in May, have sold 206 copies combined.

The two record stores that remain in business in America said they were happy Nelson is letting them have a monopoly on selling his albums.

“We don’t get many Prince fans in here, but I’m sure we might now,” said John Kysewski, who owns Blues & Rhythm in Needlebum, Ark.

Al Gore, who invented the Internet in 1998, insisted the Internet is not over, and wished Nelson “would get a life.”

“You know what’s over? Grown men wearing high heels and more rouge than Joan Rivers. That’s what’s over,” said Gore. “I mean, yeah, it was cute in the 80s. But how old is Prince now? 52? Well I think it’s about time he starts wearing grownup clothes, don’t you?”

Nelson, when told about Gore’s comment, pursed his lips, batted his eyes, and then spouted some pseudo-cryptic bullshit that no one could understand.

© 2010 The Peoples News

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Discussion

5 thoughts on “Earth to Prince: We Loves Us Some Internet

  1. “Nelson, when told about Gore’s comment, pursed his lips, batted his eyes, and then spouted some pseudo-cryptic bullshit that no one could understand.”

    OMG this is spot on! That’s exactly what he did on the Today show when Matt Lauer was interviewing him! Great stuff!

    Posted by Lou | July 12, 2010, 8:37 am
  2. I read the article and wondered “how is this satire, seems more like serious journalism”. Then I noticed there was no disclaimer at the bottom of the article.
    “Millions and millions of people scan the Internet everyday, relishing a chance to view the latest funny video, embrace porn, reconnect with a classmate they haven’t seen in 30 years, procrastinate at work and, most important, enjoy The Peoples News.” True, true, true. Makes me feel guilty… I gotta go.

    Posted by Renee | July 12, 2010, 12:17 pm
  3. The ONLY reason I use the Internet is to read The People’s News…

    Posted by kjohnson | July 14, 2010, 9:01 pm
  4. So, Prince wants to prevent theft of intellectual property. He wants people to purchase what they enjoy. How pseudo-cryptic of him.

    Posted by PAT FIELDS | July 20, 2010, 7:15 pm
  5. I love this article!! Prince is right! If you’re not buying his music you have obviously lost touch with….his reality. I am inspired by a line The Weird One gave us himself from Purple Rain: “Nobody digs your music but yourself!” You have to love a man ballsy enough in three inch heels to stand in the face of the roaring storm of the internet and say “You don’t matter!! I’ll give my music away on disc in London and no one else will have it! (giant raspberry). Did any one tell him that people probably uploaded that album twenty-four hours after they got it? LMAO & ROTFL!!

    Posted by SAS | August 9, 2010, 1:17 pm

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