Basketball, Humor, Satire

The Nets’ Offer to LeBron: Beyonce

By Bill Matthews

Everyone was all smiles after the wife-for-play deal was signed

In a stunning move, Jay-Z has offered his wife, who he once called ‘The Hottest Chick in the Game’ to his friend, LeBron James, to lure the basketball star to the New Jersey Nets.

“What else could the Nets offer? We play in New Jersey, we finished 12-70 last year, and we play in New Jersey,” Jay-Z told The Peoples News. “I had to give him something he would really want.”

That meant the stunning, weave-wearing singer, who Jay-Z married in 2008.

Other NBA teams, however, cried foul.

They petitioned commissioner David Stern to void the deal. Stern, a Miami Heat fan, had hoped James would sign with his favorite team. But he couldn’t find anything untoward with the Beyonce offering.

“Other teams had clauses promising LeBron ‘All the skanks he could bone,’ so for the Nets to offer only one actually showed commendable restraint,” Stern said.

Jay-Z, whose real name is Shawn Carter, said the Nets had to get creative. They initially offered James the same money and skanks that were included in other team’s bids. Then he got a brainstorm.

“Beyonce is fine, and lots of athletes desire her, so I decided to take a shot,” he said.

The singer said she was flattered to be used as a bargaining chip.

“Anything dat can help the Nets, I’m all for dat,” she said in her ghetto Houston twang. “I’ve never thought LeBron was cute, but, being married to Jay, it’s obvious dat I’ve never been about looks.”

After a nervous laugh, she added, “Jay has inner beauty.”

James said he always wanted to sign with the Nets, but the Beyonce deal sealed it. They narrowly beat out the Los Angeles Lakers, whose offer included Lamar Odom’s wife, Khloe Kardashian. James nearly signed until realizing Khloe is not as cute as Kim.

A father of two with his longtime girlfriend, James said he won’t be giving up that relationship. Beyonce, he said will be “a side piece.” But he wants his affairs to be out in the open, “So I can avoid any of that Tiger Woods s—.”

© 2010 The Peoples News



One thought on “The Nets’ Offer to LeBron: Beyonce

  1. Where have y’all been?

    You guys keep disappearing every 3 months like the McRib sandwich.

    The Peoples News responds: Two words, Lou: day jobs. We’d love to spend more time on the site, but since March, everyone started new jobs so we’ve been busy. But the McRib line is funny–come write for us!

    Posted by Lou | July 6, 2010, 11:30 am

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