African American, Diet, Health, Humor, Satire

Plot To Eat Blacks Is Uncovered

By Bill Matthews

whywomenarefat

With just a few more pounds, she’ll be ready for harvesting.

(BROOKLYN) An exhaustive, yearlong investigation by The Peoples News has revealed a deadly scheme to fatten up African Americans so that in a time of hardship, whites could use them as a food source.

The nefarious plot was discovered after TPN sifted through thousands of pages of confidential data from the Food and Drug Administration, the Department of Health and Human Services, and Kentucky Fried Chicken. It explains why 75 percent of African Americans are overweight, and more than 50 percent of black women are obese.

“Merely being overweight is not enough to provide a decent meal for the average white family,” read an HHS memo from July 12, 1982. Blacks, went the memo, must be “housed in neighborhoods where calorie-laden, unhealthy foods and Kool-Aid” are the only items available so they can reach “historic proportions that are large enough to sustain white people in a time of hunger.”

The plot stemmed from a government forecast in the 1970s that the growing U.S. population would eventually reach a point where it wouldn’t be sustainable. Shortly after President Ronald Reagan entered office in 1981, he authorized a task force to research ways to both feed its growing population and cut down on the number of minorities. They soon launched a program, “Blacks: The New White Meat,” to achieve both goals.

Thousands of black men were herded into prison under the pretense of new drug laws. In reality, the government wanted to restrict their movement in much the same way the beef industry limits the movement of cattle. The tactic had a major flaw, however: Instead of getting fat, the incarcerated blacks developed tremendous muscles lifting weights.

Their meat “became too stringy and developed an unpleasant taste that even copious amounts of hot sauce couldn’t mask,” according to an FDA report from October 3, 1991.

Task force leaders figured that much like chicken, ‘free range’ blacks would taste better. So they turned their focus to fattening up those living in African American neighborhoods.

Corner stores stopped stocking fresh vegetables or anything but whole milk. Gunslingers made streets so unsafe that kids were kept inside rather than being allowed to run free. The introduction of XXXL jerseys made blacks think they should fit into them.

Within a few years, blacks neighborhoods were filled with waddling residents for whom the simple act of moving proved uncomfortable.

“Black people got so fat they could eat the Internet,” said comedian Dave Chappelle beginning a series of insults that included blacks being so fat they bled gravy, had more Chins than Chinatown and had shadows that weighed 42 pounds.

None of those who instituted the plan would comment. But fitness experts found the government scheme disturbing.

“A government plot to make us fat? It all makes sense now,” said African American exercise guru Billy Blanks, whose Tae-Bo exercise videos became a phenomenon in the ’90s.

“I mean, for years, I thought the obesity epidemic among my people was because they wouldn’t take personal responsibility for their unhealthy habits, exercise more or curb their eating. But that doesn’t have anything to do with it, I guess. Does it?”

© 2010 The Peoples News
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Discussion

14 thoughts on “Plot To Eat Blacks Is Uncovered

  1. “Blacks: The New White Meat”.

    I lol’d.

    Posted by pinstripebindi | September 8, 2008, 8:23 pm
  2. OMG
    They found out.

    Posted by zip | September 9, 2008, 8:29 am
  3. Ok two problems:

    1) PETP = People for the Ethical Treatment of People – do not condone cannibalism.

    2) UCAA = United Cannibals Association of America – claim that Asians taste better and are part of a healthier diet.

    Posted by Lz4Broc | September 9, 2008, 9:17 am
  4. This is a joke right????

    The Peoples News responds: Or is that simply what the purveyors of this vile plot want you to think? Hmm.

    Posted by lwayswright | September 9, 2008, 12:00 pm
  5. This is true. Congresswoman Maxine Waters saw this article and said it confirms suspicions she’s had for a long time, noting Oprah’s recurring weight problems as further proof. Waters is holding a press conference tomorrow, right after lunch.

    Posted by Tim | September 10, 2008, 4:12 am
  6. One would think that Oprah and Waters would be too old to be of any nutritious value.

    furthermore, Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson are full of crap, which white people would not find edible.

    Posted by Kelli | September 10, 2008, 10:42 am
  7. This explains why black women can be “big” and still look good

    Posted by Renee | September 11, 2008, 5:25 pm
  8. Oh dang this funny!

    Posted by Kit (Keep It Trill) | September 15, 2008, 5:25 pm
  9. LOL absolutely hilarious! Did you get the idea from “A Modest Proposal??”

    Posted by Lucy | November 5, 2008, 12:05 am
  10. Yes, Asians are healthier, but than you’re hungry an hour later.
    That was bad, wasn’t it.

    Posted by TeacherC | November 11, 2008, 3:46 pm
  11. Pretty good story, except for the part about it being Reagans idea and then being herded into prisons for fattening up. The real story is it was the democrats whom invented tenaments and government housing projects…….and the democrats who continue to propagate the sit on yer arse and get fat subsidies…..other than that, I liked it!

    Posted by Mike | April 16, 2010, 9:40 am
  12. Maybe they should have called the program “Soylent Black”?

    Posted by Tom | April 16, 2010, 12:27 pm
  13. First it was how the whites infected Africans with the AIDs virus – to kill off the race from planet Earth. Now planning to use as din-din since this didn’t work. Will the testing be equivalent to when there was the Mad Cow disease?

    Love the sense of humor from this site, but have to wonder how they come up with such topics as this. I also wonder how many complaints are filed, threats of lawsuits, and the amount of readers who are dumb enough to actually believe what is written.

    The Peoples News responds: We love our readers, CJ. If some of them want to immerse themselves deeper into our stories than others, that’s just fine with us.

    Posted by CJ | April 16, 2010, 7:53 pm

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