By Bill Matthews
(WASHINGTON D.C.) Now that the House of Representatives has passed healthcare reform legislation, the Senate will take up the issue to add fixes. Most of them will focus on including homespun remedies and the all-encompassing goodness of Robitussin.
“There was some concern, particularly among Republicans, that the bill didn’t include money to study the benefits of putting butter on a burn,” House Speaker Nancy Pelosi told The Peoples News. “And the Congressional Black Caucus clearly stated that Robitussin has to be referred to throughout the 4,000 page document as ‘magical wonder elixir.’ I think those changes will get done.”
Republicans also want specific language included in the bill before it gets a single one of their votes.
“We are coining the word ‘kajillion,’ as we want taxpayers to know that this healthcare will cost them 800 kajillion dollars. The actual numerical value of the kajillion is in doubt, but goodness knows it’s a lot,” said Republican Congressman John Boehner.
Administrations have tried for decades to pass universal healthcare. President Obama, for some crazy reason, decided to make it the issue of his first year in office. Nonetheless, he was relieved to get it done.
“And it’ll stay in place until Republicans regain control of both houses after the fall elections,” the president vowed.
Opponents still decry the measure. While the document allows children to stay on their parents insurance until they’re 26 and prevents insurance companies from refusing coverage to people with pre-existing condition, the opposition remains extremely upset with the clause that allows a long dormant portal between Hades and America to re-open.
“The whole country is going straight to hell now,” said protestor Courtney O’Reilly. “And if Evil Dead II taught us anything, it’s that once a portal to hell has been opened, nothing can close it again. Unless dramatic music is playing in the background.”
Opponents also hate that the government is taking over healthcare.
“They can’t manage the DMV, how are they going to handle medical insurance,” wonders protestor Todd Blackwell.
“I mean, private companies, ones that I pay for out of my own pocket, never screw you over, never drop you from coverage, and completely pay for every medical expense I have without any kind of hassle, ever. Goodness knows you can’t find any more reliable, streamlined operation than a private insurance company.”
© 2010 The Peoples News