By Xavier Muhammad
For the 2010 U.S. Census, answer choices for the above question (click to enlarge photo) will include a new category
(WASHINGTON, D.C.) Bowing to pressure from a multiracial coalition, the U.S. House of Representatives yesterday amended the 2010 census so that it includes a new category: Niggaz.
“We feel that this will let people who identify as niggaz to do so officially,” said House Leader Nancy Pelosi. “We try to keep niggaz happy however we can.”
Pelosi predicted the niggaz will be running wild in the streets celebrating the amendment. The strongest supporters of the amendment, Niggaz For Niggaz, made up of African American rappers and white hip hop enthusiasts, agreed.
“This is a great day for niggaz everywhere,” said Staci Carey, a lawyer from Fresno, Calif. who previously identified as white. “Now we don’t have to hide who we are anymore. We can be the niggaz we were always meant to be.”
No one can say how the amendment will affect population statistics. Many rappers already proudly (and loudly) proclaim to be niggaz, but most other ethnicities have been slower to claim allegiance. While the new category will likely attract some converts—much like the inclusion of the ‘multiracial’ category on the last census—Harvard researcher Henry Louis Gates isn’t sure how many other people will declare so officially.
“On one hand, rappers and others have been telling us that niggaz means brotherhood and peace and love,” says Gates. “But then, on the other hand, they might face a level of discrimination that hasn’t been seen in this country in years. I mean, some people might not want to live next door to niggaz.”
Rapper Ice Cube, who says he is not only a nigga, but one with attitude, says Gates’ fears are unwarranted.
“Niggaz are already everywhere, it’s just that not everyone knows it,” he said. “Niggaz can be stealthy sometimes.”
His longtime friend, Snoop Dogg, said he will check ‘Niggaz’ in 2010, but remains somewhat disappointed with the amendment.
“I was hopin’ fuh ‘Nizzle’ in the real actuality,” Snoop said, somewhat coherently.
At an Atlanta Kentucky Fried Chicken, however, the news almost led to a fight. Some local African American men confronted a group of black college kids who were protesting the decision.
“I bet you niggaz do think y’all white. College don’t mean nothing,” said a local man, who gave his name only as Leeds. “Y’all niggaz, and you gonna be niggaz forever, just like us.”
The student leader, Vaughn “Dap” Dunlap, 21, a senior at nearby Mission College, got nose to nose with Leeds.
“You’re not niggaz,” he said. “Wake up!”
Note: This article is satire, brought to you by the creative minds at The Peoples News.
© 2010 The Peoples News