Humor, Satire

Congress Includes ‘Niggaz’ on Upcoming Census

By Xavier Muhammad

2000-census-categories.png

For the 2010 U.S. Census, answer choices for the above question (click to enlarge photo) will include a new category

(WASHINGTON, D.C.) Bowing to pressure from a multiracial coalition, the U.S. House of Representatives yesterday amended the 2010 census so that it includes a new category: Niggaz.

“We feel that this will let people who identify as niggaz to do so officially,” said House Leader Nancy Pelosi. “We try to keep niggaz happy however we can.”

Pelosi predicted the niggaz will be running wild in the streets celebrating the amendment. The strongest supporters of the amendment, Niggaz For Niggaz, made up of African American rappers and white hip hop enthusiasts, agreed.

“This is a great day for niggaz everywhere,” said Staci Carey, a lawyer from Fresno, Calif. who previously identified as white. “Now we don’t have to hide who we are anymore. We can be the niggaz we were always meant to be.”

No one can say how the amendment will affect population statistics. Many rappers already proudly (and loudly) proclaim to be niggaz, but most other ethnicities have been slower to claim allegiance. While the new category will likely attract some converts—much like the inclusion of the ‘multiracial’ category on the last census—Harvard researcher Henry Louis Gates isn’t sure how many other people will declare so officially.

“On one hand, rappers and others have been telling us that niggaz means brotherhood and peace and love,” says Gates. “But then, on the other hand, they might face a level of discrimination that hasn’t been seen in this country in years. I mean, some people might not want to live next door to niggaz.”

Rapper Ice Cube, who says he is not only a nigga, but one with attitude, says Gates’ fears are unwarranted.

“Niggaz are already everywhere, it’s just that not everyone knows it,” he said. “Niggaz can be stealthy sometimes.”

His longtime friend, Snoop Dogg, said he will check ‘Niggaz’ in 2010, but remains somewhat disappointed with the amendment.

“I was hopin’ fuh ‘Nizzle’ in the real actuality,” Snoop said, somewhat coherently.

At an Atlanta Kentucky Fried Chicken, however, the news almost led to a fight. Some local African American men confronted a group of black college kids who were protesting the decision.

“I bet you niggaz do think y’all white. College don’t mean nothing,” said a local man, who gave his name only as Leeds. “Y’all niggaz, and you gonna be niggaz forever, just like us.”

The student leader, Vaughn “Dap” Dunlap, 21, a senior at nearby Mission College, got nose to nose with Leeds.

“You’re not niggaz,” he said. “Wake up!”

Note: This article is satire, brought to you by the creative minds at The Peoples News.

© 2010 The Peoples News

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Discussion

12 thoughts on “Congress Includes ‘Niggaz’ on Upcoming Census

  1. I am so glad I subscribe to this news page. I am learning about how the world works now.

    now all we need is to get Jedi listed as a religion choice like they did in Australia.

    Posted by Lz4broc | April 1, 2008, 9:37 pm
  2. I would like to express my anger at such a racist article being presented as news. Once CCN gets hold of it, you can guarantee that there will be protests outside your offices until you all quit the online newspaper business… At least I would.. if I did not laugh so much.

    Ever since finding the article about naming rights being taken away from some members of the US community (At Snoopes.com), I have enjoyed your website a lot. I hope everyone takes the time to read the important text at the bottom of each hard hitting article, and at least smiles.

    Posted by Amused Blanco | April 1, 2008, 11:17 pm
  3. I would like to express my anger at such a racist article being presented as news. Once CCN gets hold of it, you can guarantee that there will be protests outside your offices until you all quit the online newspaper business… At least I would.. if I did not laugh so much.

    Ever since finding the article about naming rights being taken away from some members of the US community (At Snoopes.com), I have enjoyed your website a lot. I hope everyone takes the time to read the important text at the bottom of each hard hitting article, and at least smiles.

    Posted by Amused Blanco | April 1, 2008, 11:18 pm
  4. LOL!!!! Love the School Daze reference. Love this site please keep the stories coming

    Posted by Joker | April 2, 2008, 1:49 pm
  5. We are in serious trouble when we accept and say that ignorance is ok. Those who accept this title, I guess by all means should label themselves this way. But don’t get it twisted. We are not all so ignorant to believe that it is a good thing to be call a nigga. Change Ruwakh

    Posted by G. Mallett | April 5, 2008, 1:51 pm
  6. Finally!

    Posted by chip | April 5, 2008, 7:20 pm
  7. I was about to hit the ceiling! Hopefully one day race won’t be on applications.

    Posted by Rose | April 8, 2008, 9:57 pm
  8. Hey…just stumbled upon your website. This is some hilarious stuff. Keep up the good work. 🙂

    Posted by luke h. | April 9, 2008, 2:04 pm
  9. My favorite part:

    “‘I was hopin’ fuh ‘Nizzle’ in the real actuality,’ Snoop said, somewhat coherently.”

    Posted by Mrs. Pilgrim | April 9, 2008, 8:54 pm
  10. imma check nizzle LMAO

    Posted by Laughing | June 28, 2008, 1:59 pm
  11. I was reading the reflection and I remember this article; been giving it some thought and you know… I saw these people at the mall this Christmas season – this is a good addition to the census – these people deserve it.

    Posted by Renee | December 29, 2008, 11:32 am
  12. This is comical at best. Next will they put Oreo or Milkshake or caramel cookies?

    Posted by Chuck65201 | July 9, 2009, 4:48 am

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