Shocker: DNA Test Proves Mrs. Butterworth Isn’t Black

By Bill Matthews

Without brown syrup, Mrs. Butterworth’s ethnicity becomes clear.

(AKRON, OHIO) Henry Louis Gates’ latest program on ancestry reveals the stunning fact that syrup icon Joy Butterworth is, in fact, not black. Butterworth is white, but has spent the last 45 years passing.

“In actuality, it was the syrup that made her look black,” Gates told The Peoples News. His show, Faces of America, airs Wednesday. He discusses heritage with Meryl Streep, Stephen Colbert, Kristi Yamaguchi and others. While he learned that Colbert and Shaquille O’Neal share the same mother, Gates was most shocked by the revelations about Butterworth.

“You know she’s not even married,” he said. “She started using Mrs. in 1957 when she got pregnant out of wedlock, to hide that the child she was carrying was a bastard.”

Butterworth offered no apologies for living a lie. She said she never would have become such a success had she been white.

“I was all about the syrup, knowwhatI’msayin?’ Shit, them fools was like ‘you ain’t no Betty Crocker,’ and, you know, I was all like ‘I know I ain’t no Betty Crocker, I’m better than her,” Butterworth said. “So then, I was like, OK, play it like that. I got something fo yo ass. KnowwhatI’msayin?”

She decided to follow in the paths of other culinary icons by pretending she was something she was not. In Butterworth’s case, she chose a black woman. But others, like Trixie Rabbit, a Hasidic man raised in Brooklyn, or Anthony Tiger, a transgendered woman living in Seattle, chose animals. Musicians J.J. and Fred Keebler pretended to be elves who, for no good reason, lived in a tree.

Butterworth’s subterfuge worked for decades. But with the advent of DNA testing, she knew her days of passing were coming to an end. In recent years, she became so distraught that she developed a serious cocaine addiction. Finding her strung out one morning, Butterworth’s friends Aunt Jemima and Frank White (the chef on the Cream of Wheat box) encouraged her to fess up.

“She was about to start pimping herself to make more money for drugs,” said Jemima, whose first name is Auntella. “I didn’t want her to end up like that.”

Butterworth contacted Gates, saying she had a bombshell to lay on him. Gates immediately booked her for the show, squashing a controversial segment that would have proven Lady Gaga is a man.

Butterworth doesn’t know how the revelation will affect her sales. She hopes she can still be as rich and thick and that her no-drip spout will thrill children the world over. Regardless of whether she’s white, brown, yellow, or eerily resembling a plastic bottle, Mrs. Butterworth has one eternal fan.

“I still love her,” said Kim Fields.

Note: This article is satire, brought to you by the creative minds at The Peoples News.

© 2010 The Peoples News