Humor, Satire

Saints’ Win Cures All of New Orleans’ Ills!

By Bill Matthews

New Orleans streets are now paved with gold

(NEW ORLEANS) Two days after the New Orleans Saints won Super Bowl XLIV, all of the city’s crime, poverty and rundown housing has been swept away.

Residents of the Big Easy are calling the transformation into Shangri-La nearly as miraculous as cornerback Tracy Porter’s interception that sealed the 31-17 victory over the Indianapolis Colts.

“The Saints kept saying over and over that the win would really help the city and lo and behold when I woke up this morning, I suddenly had a Harvard education and $60,000 in the bank,” Joshua St. Pierre, a miscreant who once traded his children for drug money, told The Peoples News. “It’s really a great day for New Orleans.”

The city has long been a leader in rapes, murders, theft and illiteracy. But in the last 48 hours everyone who had been murdered this year was restored to life and the murderers themselves were filled with self-esteem and a can-do attitude. The city’s literacy rate jumped to 125 percent and all racial strife had ended. In fact, Hurricane Katrina retroactively missed the city entirely and all the displaced people suddenly reappeared with steady jobs that pay them three times the highest rate they’ve ever earned.

For the prior two weeks, everyone talked about the restorative power of sports and how a Saints win would give a boost to a city that was already on hard times before Katrina ravaged it. But few expected the results so quickly.

“I thought it wouldn’t be until next week or maybe the week after that my cancer was cured, but look, it’s gone,” said Elizabeth Meriweather, showing off the space where her brain tumor had been. “And look, the streets are actually lined with gold and diamonds.”

Even the most ardent fans tried to retain a bit of skepticism. After all, many a town got its hopes up over a much beloved underdogonly to see them dashed when the team goes down in flames. For instance, it took New York City far longer to recover from September 11 than it would have, had the Arizona Diamondbacks not knocked off the Yankees in that year’s World Series.

Last year, Detroit was abuzz over the Michigan State Spartans run for the NCAA title, the Red Wings’ run for the Stanley Cup, and the Tigers’ bid for post-season play. None of those teams came through and the city still suffers.

But in New Orleans, where you can now drink all night and not get drunk, people can breath easy.

“How else can you sweep away all of humanity’s ills except through competition on the field,” said Saints coach Sean Payton. “As long as your team wins, of course. Indianapolis still sucks.”

Note: This article is satire, brought to you by the creative minds at The Peoples News.

© 2010 The Peoples News

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Discussion

6 thoughts on “Saints’ Win Cures All of New Orleans’ Ills!

  1. The St. Louis Cardinals beat the Yankees, not the NFL Arizona Cardinals

    The Peoples News responds: Thanks Thomas. It was actually the Arizona Diamondbacks, not the Cardinals. Our bad!

    Posted by THOMAS TAPLIN | February 9, 2010, 9:14 am
  2. Shhhh!!

    You guys are going to ruin the festivities with all this logic and common sense!

    Posted by LOU | February 9, 2010, 9:23 am
  3. You guys are demented geniuses! Great article, if only it were true. (BTW: It was the Diamondbacks that whiped the Yanks.)

    The Peoples News responds: Yep. We got our sports mixed up, Leroy.

    Posted by Leroy | February 9, 2010, 11:26 am
  4. I heard the Saints’ win also caused an immediate reversal of the global warming trends, which is a great thing for a coastal city like NO, but is a real bitch for the East Coast where it’s causing record snowfalls…

    Posted by Stephan | February 9, 2010, 11:29 am
  5. No, the Super Bowl win has not cured all our ills.
    What ist has done, in part, is give us another line of demarcation in our lives, an experience that every one in the city and region shares, just as we shared the experience of Katrina.
    This time, however, is a time of joy.
    It won’t cure cancer or eliminate any social ills, but, so what? Neither does your column, but I enjoy it just the same.

    Posted by Phyllis | February 9, 2010, 10:08 pm
  6. Could we please stop referring to it as the ‘City of NO’ and call it the “New O”…. pretty please…

    Posted by Renee | February 10, 2010, 9:29 am

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