Humor, Satire

Heidi Montag’s Surgeries Leads to White Women Being Barred From Controlling Money

By Bill Matthews

Montag’s husband will have to pay for her future surgeries.

(LOS ANGELES) A federal judge has ruled that white women can no longer be responsible for money and must turn any earnings over to a sensible man.

The ruling by Judge Ryan Cabrera came in the wake of pseudo celebrity Heidi Montag’s decision to spend $30,000 on plastic surgery that no intelligent person would receive. The 23-year-old wannabe pop star wasn’t the target of the ruling but her multiple surgeries–included neck liposuction, chin reduction, buttock augmentation, and having her ears pinned back–left Cabrera aghast.

“Every time I turn around, some white woman is spending her money on something stupid, whether it’s liposuction or Botox or baby No. 18. I’m fed up,” Cabrera said.

He said that white women should instead not get fat, not lay in the sun for hours when they’re young, and use birth control, “even in Utah.” Taking away control of their money “might lead them to better habits,” he said.

A few white women were upset with the verdict, but many understood the reasoning.

“Heidi Montag is an idiot. She surely shouldn’t be in control of money and if this ruling is what it takes to prevent more stupid spending by my people, then I guess I’m all for it,” said Julie Avant, a white woman in Boise, Idaho.

Liam Anderson, a white man who is married to a white woman, filed the lawsuit. He did it shortly after his wife bought a pair of shoes that “weren’t good for walking in,” according to court records.

“Shoes go on your feet. You use your feet to walk. So you should only buy shoes that you can walk in,” said Anderson, still annoyed with his wife’s decision despite winning the trial. “My wife has a closet full of shoes that aren’t good for walking in. When she went out and bought yet another pair, I had to take action.”

His wife, Jessica, defended her actions.

“Those shoes were really cute, and I looked cute in them,” she said.

Cabrera, though, was unmoved. Starting next Wednesday, white women will have to close out all their private bank accounts and future paychecks must be signed over to a person of their choosing, either a woman who is not white or a man.

“Honesty, it’s for the best,” said Cabrera. “I think we can all agree to that.”

Note: This article is satire, brought to you by the creative minds at The Peoples News.

© 2010 The Peoples News

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Discussion

6 thoughts on “Heidi Montag’s Surgeries Leads to White Women Being Barred From Controlling Money

  1. One of the funnier ones. Just the kind of medicine I need to get through my Monday Sickness.

    Posted by angrybumblebee | January 25, 2010, 9:58 am
  2. it’s not going to matter – they will just adjust to controlling their man…
    In his Las Vegas Show, the great philosopher Bill Cosby, once said you could put him and his wife in a boxing ring to compete for a million dollars. He knows he could take her out with one punch but you might as well make the check out to her ’cause he would never see a penny of it.

    Posted by Renee | January 25, 2010, 11:39 am
  3. Isn’t that the same Judge who took away black womens naming rights.

    The Peoples News responds: That Judge Cabrera gets around.

    Posted by Peanut | January 25, 2010, 7:52 pm
  4. Turn in your Robe and gavel Cabrera, you’re a loose cannon! Give up this legal thing and focus on your singing career man!

    Posted by LOU | January 26, 2010, 9:45 am
  5. Well said! I totally agree.

    Posted by Val at BlogSavy | January 27, 2010, 10:54 am
  6. To eww gross – omg… thank you! you’re so right! She does look like Joan Rivers and Joan River’s daughter – that was driving me crazy and I couldn’t figure it out!

    Posted by Chicago liposuction | February 1, 2010, 4:56 am

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