By Bill Matthews
(ENCINO, CA) After Sunday night’s premiere of The Jacksons: A Family Dynasty, Jermaine Jackson’s hair suddenly hopped off the singer’s head and ran out of his Encino mansion.
Jackson’s hair, which for years has prompted the question “What’s up with Jermaine’s hair?” in fact turned out to be a parasitic, sentient alien that blended in on Earth by resembling an oil slick.
“I knew the creature living on my head was merely in a hibernating state, recovering from injuries it sustained in its crash landing on our planet,” Jackson, 55, told The Peoples News. “I didn’t think it would leave so abruptly, however.”
Jackson said he first came in contact with the alien in 1989. It plummeted from the sky one winter night and, using a communication form similar to ESP, communicated that it had been injured. Jackson brought the alien into his home, where it went into a deep sleep.
Sometime in the mid-1990s, Jackson decided to wear the slumbering alien on his head.
“I thought of it as a hat at first, but later, once it took root my head and I couldn’t get it off, I decided it would become my hair,” he said.
Jackson added that it was the alien’s influence that made him name his son ‘Jermajesty.’ But he also noted that the ’80s were a time when America thought aliens like ET and ALF could guide us with their wisdom.
“Without the extraterrestrial influence, I can see that maybe Jermajesty wasn’t the best name for a human,” he said, his voice slightly wistful.
His oldest brother, Jackie, said he always suspected there was something weird about Jermaine’s hair, which resembled a greasy tattoo—but his brother had always been on the cutting edge when it came to style.
“You may remember Jermaine was the first of us to have a press curl. He also had that serious shag in his ‘Dynamite’ video,” Jackie said. “I didn’t care for either of those looks. But you know, with Michael turning white and Latoya doing whatever she was doing, Jermaine’s hair was the least of my concerns.”
Jackson said he’s put together a search party to look for his hair. Encino police are also on alert in case the alien transforms into something dangerous.
“We’ve all seen the movie Alien, so we know what can happen if these creatures from outer space are left unchecked,” said Encino Poice Chief Mark Markerson.
In other news, a huge reservoir of oil, enough to fill all of America’s needs for 30 years, was discovered Monday in nearby Topanga State Park.
Note: This article is satire, brought to you by the creative minds at The Peoples News.
© 2009 The Peoples News