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Black and Asian Hoes Angry Tiger Didn’t Cheat With Them

By Bill Matthews

All those women, but not a single one was of color.

(WINDERMERE, FLA) What’s wrong with us, Asian and African-American hoes around the world are asking.

As more and more skanky women step forward to say they slept with Tiger Woods, it’s become clear that the so-called ‘Cablinasian’ golfer—whose ethnicity is part white, part black and part Asian—favored his Caucasian side when it came to sleeping with hoes.

“It’s one thing to deny your Asian and black sides when you get married, because you can only pick one. But to not even give us a try when you’re cheating on your wife with enough skanks to fill up a YWCA? That’s just disrespectful,” Penelope ‘Butter Biscuit’ Park, who is Korean, told The Peoples News.

Woods has cheated on his wife, Elin Nordegren, with a laundry list of women that’s longer than the number of foods the Tasmanian Devil eats. He clearly favors jiggly, white women to jiggly anything else.

“Just another way white people get ahead,” said Lil’ Tonya, an African American ho’ and author of the best-selling “Hoes Gotta Eat.” “Tiger paid that Rachel Uchitel two million dollars to not write a book. Hell, I would’ve not written a book for that amount of money.”

Considering that more and more details about Woods and his hoes continues to seep out, the financial arrangement with Uchitel doesn’t seem like money well spent. Jaimee Grubbs—who adhered to the ho’ rule of spelling a normal name weirdly—released voicemails the golfer left during what she said was a three-year affair. Other hoes Tiger slept with have names like Cori, Kalika, Mindy and Holly.

Nordegren and Woods had their prenuptial agreement changed, which legal analysts compare to aborting a child after it’s already born. Under the new, postnuptial agreement, Nordegren will get $55 million if she remains with Woods for two more years. And she’s not even American.

“Genius,” said TPN legal correspondent Jefferson Abernathy. “She doesn’t have to live with him or have sex with him or see him. All she has to do is not divorce him, and then two years from now, she can leave his ass like dust in the wind and get paid. It’s a brilliant strategy.”

But on this point, Asian and African-American women feel as shafted as their hoe counterparts.

“I already don’t have sex with my husband and I barely talk to him, yet am I going to get $55 million in two years? Of course not,” said Amanda Hugginkiss, co-chairwoman of the Black and Asian Women Alliance Against Tiger Woods. “The economic injustice in our country is just never ending.”

Note: This article is satire, brought to you by the creative minds at The Peoples News.

© 2009 The Peoples News

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Discussion

5 thoughts on “Black and Asian Hoes Angry Tiger Didn’t Cheat With Them

  1. Hilarious! And I love the “Amanda Hugginkiss” thing, good to see you guys are “Simpsons” fans.

    The Peoples News responds: Best show ever!

    Posted by LOU | December 8, 2009, 9:10 am
  2. ❤ !!

    "Hoes Gotta Eat" is my favourite. I will also quote the brilliant and despondent Moe Szyslak:

    "Why, oh why can't I find Amanda Hugginkiss?"

    Thank you for consistently making me laugh!

    Posted by Ophelia | December 8, 2009, 9:30 am
  3. And as is typical in these cases, in spite of the misty eyes and the forelorn look, the sports star mostly regrets getting caught OR he would have stopped the behavior after one or two dips in the pool…….whaaaaaa get him Barbro, show Elin how it’s done.

    Posted by Mike | December 8, 2009, 11:49 am
  4. “Maybe your standards are too high!”

    Without question. Way more intelliegent then that one-note shock humor on Family Guy and South Park.

    It’s all about Moe and little Ralphie Wiggum, baby.

    Posted by LOU | December 8, 2009, 12:04 pm
  5. OMG! F’ing funny!

    “I already don’t have sex with my husband and I barely talk to him, yet am I going to get $55 million in two years? Of course not, …”

    Painfully … true!

    Posted by Adrienne | December 11, 2009, 9:46 am

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