African American, Black men

Tiger Woods Got Off Easy, Say Other Whipped Husbands

By Bill Matthews

Elin is much stronger than she looks, says her husband

(WINDEMERE, FLA) Days after Tiger Woods’ wife smashed his back window with a golf club, Lionel Ritchie can’t help but laugh.

“His wife smacked him around a bit, and used a 3 wood on his car? That ain’t nothin,” Ritchie told The Peoples News. “White women don’t know how to give a beat down.”

In 1988, Ritchie was separated from his wife, Brenda, and cavorting around town with another woman, Diane Alexander. Brenda caught the two of them and turned Ritchie into a punching bag.

“That’s why my jaw looks like this now,” Ritchie said, rubbing it. He was so frightened of Brenda afterward, that he didn’t divorce her until 1993, and still doesn’t let her know where he lives.

Elin and Tiger Woods were arguing last weekend, when the golfer suddenly fled the house. Elin came out after him brandishing a golf club. She smashed the rear window then snatched Tiger out of the car, hurling him to the ground. She slapped him around as the car careened first into a fire hydrant and then into a neighbor’s tree.

“Help me, help me, this bitch is crazy!” Tiger is overheard yelling in the background of the 911 call his neighbor made.

In an exclusive interview with TPN, Woods said he was just thankful to be alive.

“Elin is pretty strong. You can see from the damage she did to my car with that golf club,” he said, sitting next to his wife, who was sporting a new $63 million, 17 ct. pink diamond ring. “She acted very courageously. I’m human and I’m not perfect. I am totally at fault.”

“Go hanging at the club with Jeter again and see what happens,” Elin whispered, apparently referring to noted playboy, New York Yankee Derek Jeter. News reports have linked Woods with a New York event planner, among others.

“I’m human and I’m not perfect. I will certainly make sure this doesn’t happen again,” Woods said in a robotic, well-rehearsed manner.

Despite the facial cuts Woods suffered, and the loss of $63 million, singer Al Green said things could have been worse.

“His car got hit with a golf club? Shee-it. He should see what hot grits feel like across his back,” said Green. “Now that’s a come to Jesus moment.”

Note: This article is satire, brought to you by the creative minds at The Peoples News.

© 2009 The Peoples News



5 thoughts on “Tiger Woods Got Off Easy, Say Other Whipped Husbands

  1. Whoa, odd timing People’s News, I was just discussing this and offering the same speculations about what really went down. If this was a domestic confrontation (which we really don’t know), then It definitely does deserve a spot next to Al Green and Lionel in the beat-down hall of fame. Congratulations Mrs. Woods! First Scandinavian woman to make the cut!

    Posted by LOU | December 1, 2009, 10:37 am
  2. p.s Y’all forgot to mention that he was found lying completely unconscious on the pavement. Now if that was really from his wife and not the accident….dang, that’s gangsta!

    Posted by LOU | December 1, 2009, 10:45 am
  3. This situation isn’t even funny –
    How about you don’t screw around on your wife as a way of honoring your father, Tiger?
    Why did I believe you were better than this? Why did I believe you were above this? You are the typical American athlete. You are a pig and a dog… so hump away fool!
    I hope that little piece was worth all the pain, disappointment, and disillusionment you have caused so many others.

    Posted by Renee | December 6, 2009, 2:56 am
  4. I love the headline!

    Posted by LaBoss | December 7, 2009, 4:14 pm
  5. Tiger, so what if you cheated… people need to stop acting like it’s new and it’s heresy. What he needs to do is pay this bitch off, and fight for 50% custody of the kids because if she gets them, the courts will put a ridiculous amount of CS on his ass. Better yet, she claims to have been the sole caretaker of the kids but recent videos have shown someone else holding the kids and not her (like a nanny). Fight for your kids tiger, just because you cheated on her doesn’t mean she is entitled to completely rape you because of her “feelings” and “emotions”!!!

    Posted by Tony | December 22, 2009, 10:10 am

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