By Bill Matthews
(WINDEMERE, FLA) Days after Tiger Woods’ wife smashed his back window with a golf club, Lionel Ritchie can’t help but laugh.
“His wife smacked him around a bit, and used a 3 wood on his car? That ain’t nothin,” Ritchie told The Peoples News. “White women don’t know how to give a beat down.”
In 1988, Ritchie was separated from his wife, Brenda, and cavorting around town with another woman, Diane Alexander. Brenda caught the two of them and turned Ritchie into a punching bag.
“That’s why my jaw looks like this now,” Ritchie said, rubbing it. He was so frightened of Brenda afterward, that he didn’t divorce her until 1993, and still doesn’t let her know where he lives.
Elin and Tiger Woods were arguing last weekend, when the golfer suddenly fled the house. Elin came out after him brandishing a golf club. She smashed the rear window then snatched Tiger out of the car, hurling him to the ground. She slapped him around as the car careened first into a fire hydrant and then into a neighbor’s tree.
“Help me, help me, this bitch is crazy!” Tiger is overheard yelling in the background of the 911 call his neighbor made.
In an exclusive interview with TPN, Woods said he was just thankful to be alive.
“Elin is pretty strong. You can see from the damage she did to my car with that golf club,” he said, sitting next to his wife, who was sporting a new $63 million, 17 ct. pink diamond ring. “She acted very courageously. I’m human and I’m not perfect. I am totally at fault.”
“Go hanging at the club with Jeter again and see what happens,” Elin whispered, apparently referring to noted playboy, New York Yankee Derek Jeter. News reports have linked Woods with a New York event planner, among others.
“I’m human and I’m not perfect. I will certainly make sure this doesn’t happen again,” Woods said in a robotic, well-rehearsed manner.
Despite the facial cuts Woods suffered, and the loss of $63 million, singer Al Green said things could have been worse.
“His car got hit with a golf club? Shee-it. He should see what hot grits feel like across his back,” said Green. “Now that’s a come to Jesus moment.”
Note: This article is satire, brought to you by the creative minds at The Peoples News.
© 2009 The Peoples News