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Congress Approves “No Snitching” Law

By Bill Matthews

stop_snitchingPolice show T-Shirts many Representatives wore before the historic vote

(WASHINGTON D.C.) Fresh from their summer break, Congress took up its most pressing issue, the matter of lawmakers being busted for sexual infidelities.

As a result, both houses unanimously passed the No Snitching Act, which makes it illegal for anyone to rat on a lawmaker’s sexual liaisons.

“This legislation is very important to all Americans because it will stop m—-f—–s from snitching on us,” Sen. David Vitter of Louisiana told The Peoples News. “Now we can just focus on our jobs, and if it takes the laws of the streets to make that happen, then so be it.”

Vitter then twisted his fingers into a series of geometric shapes while yelling ‘South Side!’

Legislators face an array of pressing issues: health care, budget appropriations, climate change, two wars, Whitney Houston’s comeback, and a financial regulation overhaul.

But after a spate of affairs, visits to prostitutes and secret out of the country trips to visit soul mates came to public light in the last year, lawmakers felt keeping their sexual indiscretions a secret took top priority.

They tried to make the law retroactive, but the time machine they commissioned last spring is still not operational. Former senator Larry Craig, who was arrested for soliciting sex in a bathroom in 2007, was particularly distressed by that failure.

“No snitching” has long been the urban version of the mafia’s omerta, meaning don’t cooperate with the police.

“Congress approving this measure isn’t really a surprise,” said Glynis Carver, author of the children’s book, The Little Boy Who Snitched and Was Later Found Headless in a Dumpster. “No one is more hood than Congress.”

Vitter introduced the measure, which was endorsed by a lobbying group led by former Sen. John Edwards and Rep. Mark Foley.

“It’s tough enough just having an affair, especially when you’re in the public eye or, say, the black book of a D.C. madam,” said Vitter. “If we wanted our wives or the public to know about our extramarital romps we would tell them. Geez!”

Anyone found guilty of snitching faces a fine of up to $1 million or having a cap busted in they ass.

Individual states closely monitored the vote as many local politicians hope to get similar laws passed.

“I really wish we had something like this,” said South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford. “And a bunch of my colleagues around the country soon will too.

Note: This article is satire, brought to you by the creative minds at The Peoples News. Thanks to reader Peter Ortiz for the suggestion.

© 2009 The Peoples News
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Discussion

8 thoughts on “Congress Approves “No Snitching” Law

  1. Hilarious!

    Posted by LOU | September 9, 2009, 8:13 am
  2. ….and the way congress leans on the Whitney Houston comeback will have a huge impact on my voting patterns this year.

    Posted by LOU | September 9, 2009, 8:33 am
  3. And Ted Kennedy is the founding father.

    Posted by Mike | September 9, 2009, 9:40 am
  4. Whitney is making a comeback? Awesome!

    Posted by Renee | September 9, 2009, 11:10 am
  5. Best one in quite awhile…thanks for the laugh!

    Posted by Stephan | September 9, 2009, 12:41 pm
  6. Good stuff.

    Posted by Peanutbtr | September 9, 2009, 8:15 pm

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