By Bill Matthews
Soon he’ll be a disgrace, but for now, Usain Bolt is amazing!
(MADRID) In a couple years, we’ll find out he’s been doping. But in the meantime, Usain Bolt gives us all something we can temporarily believe in.
“I’m really enjoying being a role model for kids, showing them what you can do and how the possibilities of life are limitless as long as you don’t get caught cheating, which is what I intend to do for as long as possible,” the irrepressible Bolt told The Peoples News.
Sure, in two years, the source of Bolt’s inhuman speed will be revealed as coming from a needle. But for now, we all can just be wowed by his amazing feats, from the 9.69 he ran a year ago in the 100 meter dash at the Beijing Olympics, to the astonishing 9.58 he ran last month at the World Games.
“He’s such a great story, such a great thing for track and field, at least until his downfall completely destroys the sport in 2011,” said legendary sprinter Carl Lewis. “Maybe he can stop investigators from finding out about his doping until the next Games, in 2012, but that’s probably asking too much.”
Bolt has led a renaissance of sprinting in Jamaica akin to the basketball revolution that Yao Ming sparked in China, except Yao’s rise wasn’t completely unexpected. Bolt, meanwhile, was never competitive in the 100m dash until just before the Olympics.
Since then, however, he has shaved .16 seconds off the 100m record. The previous .16 drop took nearly 20 years. He also obliterated Michael Johnson’s record in the 200m, running an unbelievable 19.19 seconds.
“It’s a fairytale, my life,” said Bolt, striking one of his ‘Lightning Bolt’ poses. “I came out of nowhere, much like Flo-Jo, to obliterate records. You have to love me.”
Flo-Jo—Florence Griffith-Joyner—came from practically nowhere in 1988 to smash the women’s 100m and 200m records. She, like Bolt and Marion Jones, never failed a drug test even though at 29, she began to resemble Hulk Hogan and surpassed her personal best by nearly half a second.
Jones, the closest thing to Flo-Jo that women’s track has seen, was disgraced after lying to federal prosecutors. She had to forfeit all of her Olympic medals.
In two years, when Bolt has to return all of his medals, his teammates will too. Nesta Carter, a teammate on the gold-medal-winning 4x100m relay, said he’ll be disappointed, but only for a while.
“I know it’s coming—we all do, really—so we’re pretty prepared for it,” Carter said. “I’m just happy that no one’s looking at my training regimen too closely.”
Bolt said anyone can tell how he’s made his tremendous strides.
“Better training, more focus, an improved diet, natural physical growth, and a steady stream of illegal substances are all what make me the best. I’m going beyond what a human should be able to do and not doing it fairly,” Bolt said. “But until you find out what I’m doing illegally, just think of how good Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire made you feel during the home run race in 1998. Just sit back and enjoy this ride.”
Note: This article is satire, brought to you by the creative minds at The Peoples News.