By Bill Matthews
Thanks to this African American man, we now all have to carry weapons.
(WASHINGTON D.C) Finally accepting that gun control is un-Constitutional, Congress convened a special session this morning to pass a measure requiring everyone to carry a gun at all times.
After seeing a dozen people in Phoenix carrying guns during a visit by President Obama—including a black man strapped with an AR-15 semi-automatic rifle—Congress was first astounded that African Americans live in Arizona. But secondly, it realized it’s been out of touch with most Americans. Starting today, any person caught without a gun will be arrested. The penalty could be a fine of $20,000 or having to duel with someone who does have a weapon.
“Think of how many lives would have been saved had everyone always been armed,” Sen. John McCain, who will carry a Sig Sauer P228, told The Peoples News. “If President Kennedy had been strapped in 1963, he probably would have picked off Lee Harvey. Those Amish girls a couple years ago would have killed their killer. Or their teachers certainly would have blow him away. The list is endless.”
The passage hopefully salves the bitterness felt by those who say the government has infringed upon their right to bear arms by restricting where guns shops can be located, requiring background checks on the buyers and actually limiting the type of guns a person can purchase.
The tables sure have turned now.
Congress initially planned to require only those 18 and older to carry weapons. But the NRA argued that would leave 17 year olds at a distinct disadvantage. Once that argument was accepted, the age requirement continued dropping until now even toddlers must pack heat at all times.
“If you’re old enough to hold a bottle, you can hold a .22,” said House Leader Nancy Pelosi, brandishing a Benelli pump shotgun. “Now we can all feel safe.”
Gun enthusiasts had mixed emotions about the new law.
“No, there shouldn’t be any restrictions on gun control, but the government can’t tell me what to do,” said Mark Anderson, a gun enthusiast in Spokane, Wash. “Damn liberals are always trying to impose their will on my rights. I mean, what if I don’t want to carry a gun?”
Anderson was also upset because the law doesn’t allow him to attach a Mk-13 missile launcher to his RV.
Still, the law allows many other freedoms. People can carry any style gun, whether a .9mm or an assault rifle. They can keep it concealed, carry it in a hip or shoulder holster, or simply hold it in their hand and wave it around. Bullets will now also be subsidized, as Congress recognized the fun of owning a gun is being able to shoot it.
There will be no waiting period to buy the weapons and no one will be required to receive any training.
“People have to go to train before they can get a driver’s license, and look at how many people die in car accidents. Training does no good,” said McCain. “Besides study after study has shown that guns don’t kill people. It’s bullets that kill people.”
Specialty stores were already feeling an upsurge. At Diapers ‘n Bullets in Memphis, the store quickly ran out of Baby’s First Piece, a tiny weapon that comes in either pink or sky blue. And Abercrombie & Fitch’s “I’m Packin’ Backpack” has become the must have accessory for girls this school year. One of the $60 backpacks that has hidden pouches for extra ammunition sold on ebay for $1,275.
Note: This article is satire, brought to you by the creative minds at The Peoples News.