By Shawna Collier
The siblings were escorted from the Jackson family compound after the announcement.
(LOS ANGELES) The fabled Jackson family said goodbye this morning to siblings Jermaine and LaToya Jackson—cuts prompted by the continuing economic crisis.
“In these tough financial times keeping a family of this size together just is no longer feasible, especially when no one seems to have a job,” CNBC financial guru Jim Cramer told The Peoples News.
The family announced in May that cuts would be coming following a disastrous first quarter that saw no tours, no album releases, no songs played on the radio, and no guest TV appearances, not even cable.
They thought cuts could be averted after younger brother, Michael, sold out 50 concert dates in London earlier this year. Last week, however, Michael admitted that he bought all the tickets himself.
“He didn’t actually want to perform because the best he could come up for that new dance move everyone is talking about is just a variation of Souljah Boy’s Superman move,” said Michael’s oldest child Prince. “He’s pretty embarrassed.”
While LaToya’s cut was expected, most observers thought either untalented brother Randy or patriarch Joseph would be the other one to get the axe. Jermaine, at least, had some musical chops, scoring several top 10 hits in the 1980s. He was considered the fourth-most talented Jackson, behind siblings Michael and Janet, and a distant cousin, Los Angeles Laker coach Phil Jackson.
Under an agreement, Latoya and Jermaine can no longer use the last name Jackson.
“It’s a tough day for all of us. But Jermaine’s value add to the family has really diminished since the days when he was singing Dynamite and Do What You Do,” said Jackson family spokesman Adele Hitchcock. “Plus, whenever he’s on TV, he looks like he’s been smearing on chicken grease. That didn’t help his case to stay aboard.”
A distraught LaToya went into seclusion shortly after the announcement, but Jermaine said he understood the family’s decision. He said he has already settled on a new last name, and vowed to be back.
“You may have seen the last of Jermaine Jackson, but Jermaine Jenkins is going to take the world by storm,” he said. Jermaine appeared to weep as he spoke, but it might have been the grease from his hair dripping down his face.
Note: This article is satire, brought to you by the creative minds at The Peoples News.
© 2009 The Peoples News
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