African American, family, Humor, Satire

Alizé Alert Helps Find Missing Black Kids

By Bill Matthews

children-playingThe new alert will hopefuly save these kids from a whuppin

(COLUMBUS, OHIO) While Amber Alerts have helped find hundreds of white children who went missing from trailer parks, a new alert is being geared toward locating missing black kids.

The Alizé Alert will go out when a black child needs to ‘get their butt in the house,’ says U.S. Department of Justice spokeswoman Christine Suggs.

“We’ve heard from many black parents who say their children often go missing, sometimes for three and four hours, and this will help bring them home,” Suggs told The Peoples News.

The Alizé Alert was named for either Alizé Mitchell, who went missing for a couple hours 12 years ago, or the liquer she was named after. Picking the name proved to be highly contentious.

“A lot of people wanted it called the Eboni Elert since so many black girls are named Eboni. But then we explained that ‘Alert’ was spelled with an ‘A,’ and people backed down,” said Mitchell, now 24 and a third-year law student at Cleveland State University. “Then, of course, people wanted to spell Alizé all kinds of ways: ‘Alice A,’ ‘A-Luh-Zay.’ It just got ridiculous.”

Mitchell says the alert will serve a valuable purpose. In June 1997, she was over a friend’s house listening to Ma$e’s Harlem World CD and forgot all about her 8 p.m. curfew. It was nearly 10 when she started her walk home, and her mother was waiting on the porch with a belt.

Mitchell never forgot the beating she received, and wanted to save other children from sharing her fate. Two years ago she began lobbying Congress to create a warning system for children. She teamed with Rep. Patrick Tiberi to move the Alizé Alert legislation forward.

“I’m not black, but I still wish they’d had something like this when I was a kid, strolling my way home through the dark streets,” said Tiberi. “I can’t even count the number of times I was punished for missing curfew.”

When an Alizé Alert is issued, every streetlight in a three-mile radius of the child’s home will start blinking and a loudspeaker will play a recorded message of the child’s mother saying ‘Get Your Butt Home.’ Local police will drive through the streets with their lights flashing and blasting the same message. Bartenders will also only serve Alizé for 20 minutes.

If a child reaches home within an hour of the alert, they will only be scolded. After that, the law is very clear: “If the child fails to arrive at the designated meeting point withing one (1) hour, the parent or guardian who triggered the Alizé Alert is required to administer a whuppin’.”

Mitchell is certain the alert named for her will save many a hide.

“With all that noise going on, there’s no way a child won’t know they’re expected home,” she said.

Note: This article is satire, brought to you by the creative minds at The Peoples News. Thank to reader Hollie Harper for the idea!

© 2009 The Peoples News

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3 thoughts on “Alizé Alert Helps Find Missing Black Kids

  1. You know this is going to open up a black market industry for excuses, permission slips, street passes… Some one will capitalize on this. A man on a street corner will see a kid haulin’ butt home and slow him down to sell him something to save his sorry butt – “Dear Missus Jackson, I am sorry your son is late – he was helping find my puppy. Please don’t beat him. Mrs. Pettigrew” I’m not sure about this…

    Posted by Renee | May 27, 2009, 12:02 pm
  2. I don’t know any “Alize”s but I know a lot of “Ayesha”s… they’d have to do Ayesha Alerts around here…

    Posted by KJohnson | June 2, 2009, 11:52 pm
  3. I laughed so hard at this post.

    I don’t understand why there aren’t hundreds of followers.


    Posted by jalishouse | June 29, 2009, 10:28 am

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