African American, Diet, Humor, Religion, Satire

Nation of Islam Bars Members From Contracting Swine Flu

Bill Matthews

swine-cp-3491542Just say no to swine, says NOI.

(CHICAGO) Saying no pig shall pass their lips—or enter their bloodstream—Nation of Islam leaders today told members they should not contract the swine flu.

The Nation forbids members to eat pork because it considers the pig to be an ‘unclean’ animal. It holds the same feeling toward the swine flu.

“The pig is a nasty foul beast and no man should eat of it,” Minister Bartholomew 298X, NOI chief of health and wellness for Mosque #458, told The Peoples News. “Nor shall he allow it to infect his white blood cells or his red blood cells or take residence in the holy places of his bowels.”

The edict came one day after the U.S. government declared a public health emergency to respond to the flu, which has so far sickened people in Kansas, California, New York, and other states.

“But you will notice that none of the afflicted are in the Nation of Islam,” said Bartholomew 298X. “We adhere very strictly to our religion, unlike the devils who have contracted this foul disease.”

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano said about 12 million doses of the antiviral drug Tamiflu will be available to states that need it.

She also tried to ease fears that the swine flu could be contracted by eating pork.

“I encourage all Americans to eat as many pig products as you can. If you turn your back to pork, then the flu wins,” Napolitano said. “At least don’t give up bacon, which, as we all know, is delicious.”

The NOI countered that Napolitano’s statement was a ploy by the white man to trick members into eating swine.

“Yes, bacon tastes very good. We all know that, especially Nation members who partook of the devil’s meat before we saw the true light,” said Bartholomew 298X. “But we can’t regress now. We’ll wash our hands to fight this bug, just like we washed our hands of pork.”

Note: This article is satire, brought to you by the creative minds at The Peoples News.

© 2009 The Peoples News


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Discussion

9 thoughts on “Nation of Islam Bars Members From Contracting Swine Flu

  1. I’m trying hard to come up with a humorous take on this that hasn’t already been said. Tune in Thursday to see if I had any luck. And thanks for this one — it’s great

    Posted by Davis | April 28, 2009, 9:44 am
  2. Hilarious!!!! LMAO!!!!

    Posted by dmx05 | April 28, 2009, 3:29 pm
  3. I think you tried a little to hard on this one. The only thing that was funny was Bartholomew 298X.

    Posted by Naemah | April 28, 2009, 3:52 pm
  4. and bacon is so versatile – it makes everything better. I am going to do my patriotic duty until this plague passes or I keel over from a heart attack.

    Posted by Renee | April 28, 2009, 4:04 pm
  5. Does this mean that if you’re a vegan, you can’t get it? ; )

    Posted by Anne C. | April 28, 2009, 11:57 pm
  6. Pork: the new condiment.

    Posted by James | May 1, 2009, 1:26 pm
  7. With the UK confirming two cases of swine flu and the World Health Organization raising its alert level from three to four, the threat does sound quite serious.

    Posted by bangkok oliver | May 5, 2009, 4:22 pm
  8. It’s against the Law of God’s Dietary Laws, so we shouldn’t eat Pork. Even I stopped eating pork since I found out that they are not permitted to eat. This person that posted this story isn’t trying too hard. He is right that we shouldn’t eat Pork.

    The pig or swine is specifically mentioned as being unclean and not permitted as human food (Leviticus 11:7-8; and Deuteronomy 14:8). While some theologians have stated, “We do not know why the swine was forbidden” (Interpreter’s Bible), other writers find numerous logical reasons related to ecology, economics, nutrition and public health.

    Today, domesticated hogs “are fed a diet composed mainly of corn and grain” (New Standard Encyclopedia, 1993). However, as non-ruminants with digestive tracts similar to that of humans, pigs are unable to survive on grasses and thus have been ecological competitors with humans for the same types of food grains (such as wheat, corn and barley). In America about 20 percent of the corn harvested is fed to hogs.

    Basically, pigs enjoy eating the same types of food that people eat. This is not a wise use of resources in a world where an exploding human population is outstripping our capacity to produce food. Probably this is another reason why God does not want us to eat pigs. He foresaw that great herds of hogs would take life-sustaining grain out of the mouths of poor people!

    LET US NOT EAT WORMS!
    Tapeworms, which afflict about 3 percent of the world’s population (about 180 million), are another serious health problem encountered when pork is eaten (Tortora). While beef and fish can also contain tapeworms that will colonize the human digestive tract and cause discomfort, the pork tapeworm is much more dangerous. The larva of the pork parasite, once inside the human intestine, can migrate through the tissues to the heart, eyes and brain-and can eventually cause death (Morello, Microbiology in Patient Care, 5th edition, 1994). With reference to pork tapeworm disease, “the highest rates of infection are seen in countries with lower levels of hygiene and where pork is a major part of the diet, such as Mexico, Latin America, Spain, Portugal, Africa, India, southeast Asia and China” (Baron, Medical Microbiology, 1994).

    THINK ABOUT IT! If Continued to break God Dietary Laws of the Clean and Unclean then we shall suffer through the starvation that is yet to come, God will punish human affairs for our own good! SO WAKE UP PEOPLE! EAT MEATS FROM DEER, MOOSE, GEESE, DUCK ANY CLEAN LAND ANIMALS! FISH THAT HAVE SCALES AND FINS!

    The Peoples News responds: You could also just remember to thoroughly cook the pork. That kills tapeworms.

    Posted by New Zealand | November 5, 2009, 3:19 am
  9. From a Biblical perspective – God put dietary restrictions only on Israel. In the book of Acts, He made all animals clean. If you are of a religious sect that forbids pork, don’t eat it! Not because of tapeworm but for conscience sake.

    Posted by Renee | November 7, 2009, 9:30 am

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