Just say no to swine, says NOI.
(CHICAGO) Saying no pig shall pass their lips—or enter their bloodstream—Nation of Islam leaders today told members they should not contract the swine flu.
The Nation forbids members to eat pork because it considers the pig to be an ‘unclean’ animal. It holds the same feeling toward the swine flu.
“The pig is a nasty foul beast and no man should eat of it,” Minister Bartholomew 298X, NOI chief of health and wellness for Mosque #458, told The Peoples News. “Nor shall he allow it to infect his white blood cells or his red blood cells or take residence in the holy places of his bowels.”
The edict came one day after the U.S. government declared a public health emergency to respond to the flu, which has so far sickened people in Kansas, California, New York, and other states.
“But you will notice that none of the afflicted are in the Nation of Islam,” said Bartholomew 298X. “We adhere very strictly to our religion, unlike the devils who have contracted this foul disease.”
Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano said about 12 million doses of the antiviral drug Tamiflu will be available to states that need it.
She also tried to ease fears that the swine flu could be contracted by eating pork.
“I encourage all Americans to eat as many pig products as you can. If you turn your back to pork, then the flu wins,” Napolitano said. “At least don’t give up bacon, which, as we all know, is delicious.”
The NOI countered that Napolitano’s statement was a ploy by the white man to trick members into eating swine.
“Yes, bacon tastes very good. We all know that, especially Nation members who partook of the devil’s meat before we saw the true light,” said Bartholomew 298X. “But we can’t regress now. We’ll wash our hands to fight this bug, just like we washed our hands of pork.”
Note: This article is satire, brought to you by the creative minds at The Peoples News.
© 2009 The Peoples News
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