African American, Barack Obama, Humor, Religion, Satire

Congress Rules Black Church Services Can’t Top One Hour

By Bill Matthews

tdjakes3Ministers like T. D. Jakes will have to get their messages across a little quicker

(PHILADELPHIA) President Obama is expected to approve legislation later today that will mandate that services at African-American churches stretch no longer than one hour.

“It’s high time something like this was passed,” Obama told The Peoples News. “I mean, really, taking 20 minutes to say Amen just isn’t helping anyone get their Jesus on.”

Congress was moved to pass legislation after many members of the Congressional Black Caucus attended Easter services on Sunday and were still in church on Monday.

“Come on!” said Rep. Barbara Lee, CBC chair. “In too many of our churches, there is a lot of things going on that have nothing to do with the Lord’s work. It’s one thing to have the pastor go on a little long, but on Easter, too many churches act like they’re putting on Broadway production.”

At the New Bethel Baptist Church of What’s Happening Now in Philadelphia, worshipers were held hostage for 17 hours. The service included steppers, an African dance troupe, a marching band, fire walkers, six elephants, two renditions of “I Believe I Can Fly,” an Easter Egg hunt, and a retrospective on the career of retired 76ers star Julius Erving.

“It was just too much,” said Myrtle Owens, whose perm had sweated out of her hair by the time the service ended. “Someone had to do something.”

The Rev. Leroy Wilson defended his marathon sermon.

“If the Lord can suffer for you on Good Friday, you can suffer for the Lord on Easter Sunday,” Wilson said.

He added that the church was justified in charging a $25 admission.

“They were going to give it in the offering anyway,” he said. “Why not just pay the man upfront and be done with it.”

The service still held offerings for the building fund, the sister school in Soweto, the homeless outreach and the minister’s anniversary dinner—all which took about 10 minutes apiece.

Thirty-eight people were carried out during the service from heat exhaustion and hunger, while one woman gave birth to twins.

“It all just adds up. No one should have to come to church and then unexpectedly act as a midwife,” said Cong. Chaka Fattah. “And no one should have to be gobbling up communion wafers just because they’re starving.”

With Obama, who started his own church a year ago, set to approve the legislation, many African-American ministers said they’re unsure how they’ll get their message across in so little time.

“The people come to see me, they expect to see a show. They expect to see some fireworks,” Wilson said. “If I cut out all the theatrics, all I’ll have left to talk about is Jesus. Does anyone at church really want to hear that?”

Note: This article is satire, brought to you by the creative minds at The Peoples News.

© 2009 The Peoples News

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9 thoughts on “Congress Rules Black Church Services Can’t Top One Hour

  1. OK. Now Congress has officially lost their minds. Although whatever church the article cited was clearly one of those that think WAAYYY to highly of themselves and need to go back and re-evaluate what the point of attending church is, to try to mandate hour services is even more against what COngress is supposed to be doing with their time. Aside from the initial though of how this will even be enforced, no one told the members of the CBC to attend those type of churches that had such long spectacles and charge admission in the first place. Their churches have probally been doing way too much for a long time now and they probably have been engaging megalomanical pastors for years. You can’t rush the time it takes to get your congregation to feel the Holy spirit in one hour, nor can force it upon them by prolonging service for 6 hours. Where is the seperation of state and church in this congressional legislation? There are so many things wrong with this…

    Posted by Nakeisha | April 14, 2009, 11:21 am
  2. LMAO LMAO LMAO…It is satire…who in their right mind would take this seriously…Note: This article is satire, brought to you by the creative minds at The Peoples News. Nakeisha you seem like an intelligent woman but you think congress cares how long church is…They would probably push for longer service hours and say they were trying to cut down B ON B Crime keeping people off the streets. LOL someone is getting their panties in a bunch.

    Posted by k | April 14, 2009, 2:22 pm
  3. This is so funny! No one’s perm should have to sweat out of their hair by the end of church, LOL

    Posted by shimarella | April 14, 2009, 3:00 pm
  4. Nakeisha…Come on Girl…you do realize this is SATIRE…right?!? But as irreverent as it may be…I thought it was HILARIOUS!!!

    Posted by Deborah | April 14, 2009, 3:35 pm
  5. Great. Now if only all churches would end after a half hour, I might actually attend!

    Posted by LaBoss | April 16, 2009, 6:54 am
  6. Oh my GOD!!! LMAO LMAO LMAO. That was SOOO necessary, but why didn’t you send that out BEFORE Easter??? If you had, I would not have had to sit through 4 hours of service.

    I love this site! Keep up the important work!

    Posted by Victoria | April 16, 2009, 11:44 am
  7. Excellent !!!!
    Enjoyable and timely………

    Posted by Ronald | April 19, 2009, 7:44 am
  8. Yes, timely….I got caught in an endless sermon on Easter Sunday myself….black or white, ministers do love the sound of their own voices.

    Posted by CandyKay | April 20, 2009, 3:03 pm
  9. I can only imagine what names those babies ended up with – what with being miracle babies and all. Mercy for the children.

    Posted by Renee | April 28, 2009, 4:09 pm

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