By Bill Matthews
The Magic Negro, surrendering to police
(WILMINGTON, N.C.) A Magic Negro—a creature long thought to exist only in the minds of lazy Hollywood writers—was discovered Monday morning after one was caught doing what movies have long portrayed them doing: saving a white girl from herself.
Wee Buttin, a white-bearded, balding man of indeterminate age whose facial expressions hint that he knows more than he’s tellin’, was caught in an enchanted clearing after leaving the home of 15-year-old Amber Welton.
Wilmington Police officers wrestled Buttin to the ground, but something stopped them from giving him their standard beating.
“I was all prepared to beat him senseless, even shoot him at point-blank range,” Officer Ian White told The Peoples News. “But being around Mr. Buttin brought me so much comfort, made me think everything would be OK, that I just put my gun away.”
Buttin has the brown skin of a regular African American—but he’s also got a gleam in his eye that let’s you know he’d sacrifice his life for the first sad white person he sees. He speaks in pithy aphorisms with an Uncle Remus-meets-Rochester accent.
“Ain’t no good gonna ever come of holdin’ a grudge against a man who gotta lot o’ pain in his heart,” Buttin said from his jail cell. “You hate him, you might as well hate yo’ own self.”
Hollywood has long hinted at the existence of magical negroes in movies like The Green Mile, Driving Miss Daisy, and The Legend of Bagger Vance, but most anthropologists considered them creatures of myth—until now.
“It’s comforting to not only know that Magic Negroes exist, but that when life gets too hard for white people, one will magically appear and make everything all right,” said Montell St. Clair, whose book Magic Negroes and the Sad White Girl was a New York Times bestseller in 1994.
Buttin indicated colonies of Magic Negroes existed, but he wouldn’t be specific about their location, leaving it up to the listener to interpret his words in many different ways, but with only one being the way that doesn’t lead to heartache.
“If it’s worth knowin’, it’s worth knowin’ the question to axe to make askin’ worth it,” he said.
Buttin said he was naturally drawn to Amber. The teen’s mother died when Amber was seven, while giving birth to the little brother Amber had so long wished for. The other kids teased her for not having a mama, and then, just last week, Amber’s father, Luke Welton—an uneducated redneck who doesn’t think women should amount to much—was fired from his job by Mean Ol’ Mister Caine.
The girl was in despair—until Buttin showed up.
“I was feelin’ so poorly that I stopped playing the flute that mama loved to hear, even though it prolly meant I won’t get no college scholarship,” Amber said. “Wee Buttin changed my mind about all that and convinced me to play again.”
Cops say Amber first saw Buttin last Wednesday when he mystically appeared at Wal-Mart as a cashier who rung up her groceries. He commented how the lovely smile she was hiding made people happier than the frown she was showing—an observation that made Amber think the little man was “peculiar,” but in a special way.
He appeared to her three more times—the last time so she could confront her father. Luke Welton understandably misunderstood Buttin’s relationship with his daughter (Magic Negroes are incapable of feeling or exuding any type of sexual desire) so now the rift between him and Amber is bigger than ever.
Buttin says he will now heal that relationship before disappearing from Amber’s life forever—either by heroically dying or moving on to some other place that he doesn’t rightly know.
Note: This article is satire, brought to you by the creative minds at The Peoples News.
Share This Story