By Bill Matthews
Michael Steele couldn’t pull off his subterfuge with a straight face.
(WASHINGTON D.C.) The Peoples News has learned that a decades-old plot by Democrats to infiltrate the highest levels of the Republican Party–and then sabotage it–succeeded when Michael Steele was elected chairman of the GOP.
But the carefully designed plan was undone when Steele, actually a lifelong Democrat who has been undercover since 1984, couldn’t keep up the subterfuge after becoming GOP head. Not even two months into the job, he’s slipped up so many times, most recently by saying abortion is a woman’s choice, that no one is falling for his shtick anymore.
Democrats are most disappointed.
“All that time, all those years, all those resources we spent on this plot down the drain because Mike just couldn’t handle the pressure,” said Democrat chairman Tim Kaine. “It’s a surprise he folded so quickly after playing to role for years. But as soon as he said he was sending Bobby Jindal some ‘slum love,’ we all knew he wasn’t going to last long.”
Steele, 50, also had a number of disturbing contradictions that kept cropping up. For instance, the P.Diddy and Snoop Dogg loving politico vowed to bring a younger, hipper voter to the staid Republican Party–trying to impress them with the ‘slum love’ comment and even saying President Obama’s stimulus package was full of ‘bling bling.’
Yet he labeled his critics “Nervous Nellies.”
“One moment he’s the Fresh Prince, the next he’s Carlton Banks,” said Arizona Sen. John Kyl. “I’m whiter than marshmallows dipped in vanilla ice cream and even I don’t use ‘Nervous Nellies.’ It was so obvious to me then that there was something else going on.”
Steele’s ascension was a longtime coming. He was recruited to go undercover in 1984 by then Democratic Speaker of the House Tip O’Neill, who plotted with Sen. Ted Kennedy, former President Jimmy Carter and then N.Y. Gov. Mario Cuomo. Steele accepted the challenge in exchange for the group paying his way to Georgetown law school.
Through the years, he preached the GOP message of fiscal responsibility for poor people so convincingly that he rose steadily through party ranks.
Yet once elected chairman, the facade crumbled. Steele could no longer hide his contempt for the party, and even began an ongoing argument with radio host Rush Limbaugh. The arch-conservative is just the type of Republican the GOP is trying to be rid of, yet Steele’s continued jabbering masterfully set Limbaugh in the public’s mind as the true face of the party.
Then last week, he told GQ magazine that he feels abortion–which the Republican Party has long opposed–was “an individual choice.”
Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said the party is embarrassed by Steele’s selection.
“We were just fooled so badly,” he said. “I mean, he’s black for god’s sake. Didn’t anyone notice that? How could we have thought he wasn’t a Democrat?”
Shockingly, however, the movement to oust Steele has stalled.
“What else are we going to do? We already lost Bobby Jindal. If we lose Michael, then our search for a brown prince to challenge President Obama is going to be seriously hurting,” said Sen. John McCain.
After a moment, however, McCain mused, “I wonder what J.C. Watt is up to these days.”
This article is satire brought to you by the creative minds at The Peoples News.
© 2009 The Peoples News
Share This Story