Humor, Music, Satire

With Chris Brown Preoccupied, R&B Singers Rush to Fill the Void

By Shawna Collier

albsurekcitevinAl B. Sure! (left) and Tevin Campbell (right), with their valet, are back in the studio.

(HAMPTON, VA.) The skintight jeans don’t fit anymore, but Al B. Sure! has unleashed his uni-brow and is making plans to record again.

“Enough of this talk about Chris Brown. It’s Al B. Sure! time now, baby,” the singer, whose real name is Albert Brown (no relation) told The Peoples News. “When R&B needs someone to fill a void, they know they can count on this brother night and day.”

All across America, once-hot R&B singers like Christopher Williams, D’Angelo, and Tevin Campbell are hitting the gym and dusting off old moves, hoping to fill the ‘hot boy’ void left now that Chris Brown’s star has faded after allegedly beating up his girlfriend, Rihanna.

The singers, whose heydays stretched from the late 1980s until the early turn of the century, are experts at filling voids. They came upon the scene after the Michael Jackson and Prince era, filling the airwaves with thumping New Jack grooves or neo-soul beats, their hightop fades cut just so, their jeans ripped and hanging in all the right places. Singers like Usher and Chris Brown pushed them off stage.

But now, they’re back.

“I’m up to 20 pushups a day,” said D’Angelo, now trying get rid of the pot belly he’s acquired since his last foray into the spotlight. Patting his stomach, he added, “I may be a 20-pack now, but I’ll be down to six soon.”

In Los Angeles, Charles Booker, who went by ‘Chuckii’ in his younger, non-spelling days, said he’s been practicing his Chris Brown-like backflips.

“Just a little bit more stretching, and I’ll have it down,” Booker said. “But I’ll do whatever I can for music, for R&B. When America calls, I answer, even if I’m running low on cell phone minutes.”

Perhaps the singer most looking forward to regaining America’s attention is Mark Andrews, who as Sisqo gained fame for his platinum hair.

“My coif has so much gray in it now and I’ve been looking for a reason to dye it,” Andrews said. “But I promise you that in this dark time, what will really boost everyone’s spirits is me prancing onstage singing the ‘Thong Song.’ America is ready for it. And with a little Just For Men, I will be too.”

This article is satire brought to you by the creative minds at The Peoples News. Thanks to reader Kenji Jasper for the idea.

© 2009 The Peoples News

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One thought on “With Chris Brown Preoccupied, R&B Singers Rush to Fill the Void

  1. Just keep R. Kelly away from us…

    Posted by CandyKay | March 22, 2009, 5:01 am

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