African American, family, Humor, Satire

African Americans Thankful Multiple-Birth Mom Isn’t Black

By Bill Matthews

todaysuleman

Nadya Suleman, on Today, has 14 kids

(LOS ANGELES) Oh happy day.

That’s the response from African Americans who are still celebrating the news that Nadya Suleman, who gave birth to octuplets despite already having six small children, is not black.

“God is good. All the time!” Celeste Glenn, 63, a grandmother of four, told The Peoples News. “When I first heard this woman had eight babies, I thanked God for that miracle. But when I heard she already had six little ones at home, I went ‘uh-oh.'”

So, in fact, did the rest of the nation’s 38 million blacks. Their concern set in motion an often practiced, but little publicized event all African Americans know well: The collective plea to the heavens that someone who has done something awful or stupid isn’t one of them.

The simple chant—”Please Lord, don’t let them be black”—can be heard across the nation whenever news breaks that an unknown person has done something that makes you shake your head. And it usually works, such as when the person who killed 33 people at Virginia Tech turned out to be an an Asian man, or when Eliot Spitzer’s prostitute was a white woman.

“Even black people who don’t believe in any kind of god will say the prayer if something stupid happens,” said Monroe Dawson, 47, a handyman. “You should’ve seen all the people who dropped to their knees after we heard there was a pregnant man running around.”

The prayer, however, isn’t foolproof.

The Somali pirates remained black despite the prayer, as did the NFL quarterback who owned a house that doubled as a dog-fighting arena and the snipers who haunted the Washington D.C. area in 2002.

Still, blacks continually turn to the prayer in moments of national stupidity as a shield against “all of us being thought fools just because one of us is,” says the Rev. Jamal Harrison Bryant. “I mean it’s hard enough being black on a normal day. Do I really have to have people think I like fighting dogs just because Michael Vick doesn’t know how to act?”

The first known appearance of the prayer was in a January 1777 diary entry by the great poet Phillis Wheatley, said Harvard historian Henry ‘Skip’ Gates.

“There’s a famous portrait of George Washington standing as he crosses the Delaware. What’s little known is that the boat tipped over because another member of the crew also decided to stand,” Gates said. “As word of that unfortunate incident spread, Wheatley wrote in her diary ‘My kinsmen and I all beseech to our Holy Saviour that this poor fellow be not of our colour.'”

The prayer worked. He wasn’t.

Note: This article is satire, brought to you by the creative minds at The Peoples News.

© 2009 The Peoples News

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Discussion

11 thoughts on “African Americans Thankful Multiple-Birth Mom Isn’t Black

  1. LOL…this is hilarious. That was the first thing that I thought when I first heard this story. People at my office were talking about it and I just thought, “Please don’t let this fool of a woman be black!”

    Posted by moka | February 10, 2009, 9:52 am
  2. Now, seriously (as I return to my chair after falling over with laughter) I find it a bit shameful that I often resort to that prayer, too. Someday, oneday, maybe the younger generation won’t feel compelled to do so.

    Posted by Leroy | February 10, 2009, 12:00 pm
  3. Oh, now I get it, you mean muliple birth as in one sitting…. I see, that is funny, hahaha

    Posted by Mike | February 10, 2009, 1:25 pm
  4. LOL!!! Hilarious and insightful! Too bad the positive acts don’t have as much sticking power as the dumb stuff.

    Posted by Jenny B, | February 10, 2009, 4:57 pm
  5. Hey! I say that too. And I’m White!

    Posted by Alpha Beta | February 10, 2009, 5:49 pm
  6. As an Appalachian-American, I often find myself saying a prayer quite similar whenever something stupid happens. Unfortunately, I often see my people walking down flooded roads carrying an umbrella, or being on the news describing the natural disaster with their hair in curlers or in a moo-moo gown.

    Posted by Kelli | February 15, 2009, 12:24 am
  7. And all the people said… “AMEN”!!

    Posted by browneyebabee | February 15, 2009, 1:10 am
  8. Hey my mom wears a Moo-Moo so it’s NOT inherent to Appalachia. LOL

    Posted by Daymon The Basketeere | February 22, 2009, 12:51 pm
  9. Your post is very well crafted and I have learned. Ive added your blog to my reading material. Thanks for the update!

    Posted by Handyman in Jacksonville | June 15, 2009, 12:48 pm
  10. LOL Yep, we are African Americans (Nigerian) and we always pray that other Africans do not do something stupid. Like when that foolish Nigerian boy tried to blow up the plane, hundreds of thousands of Nigerians around the world joined a facebook group pleading to the world we are not terrorist, yet, Nigeria is still on the US terrorist list.

    When that Virgina Tech shooting happen, that Asian lady who is always on Oprah said a similar thing. She said she was worry there would be an Asian backlash.

    Posted by MissVampireDiaries | April 30, 2010, 5:40 pm
  11. Very impressed with the inclusion of the little known historical origin. I pray that YOU are Black!

    Posted by Liz | March 24, 2011, 9:51 am

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