African American, Barack Obama, black women, Christmas, hair, Humor, Satire

TPN’s Top Five Holiday Gifts for 2008

By The Peoples News Staff


There are only a couple of days left until Christmas, but there’s still time to get some of the hottest gifts of the 2008 holiday season. Here are The Peoples News top five picks.


Relax Me Roniqua: Help your little girl get a jumpstart on her vocational training. With Relax Me Roniqua, aspiring young hair dressers can practice eradicating naps on a kinky-haired, Barbie-like styling head. (It’s never too early to instill self loathing in our African American girls.) Comes complete with battery-operated hot comb, no lye relaxer and styling guide. (Price: $29.99)

elmo-raw-copyElmo Raw: After twelve years of speaking with a voice that sounds like his testicles have been bound by tight rubber bands and being fondled by hundreds of thousands of little kids, Elmo is fighting back. This new edition of the interactive crimson Muppet has a gangsta swagger and baritone voice, repeatedly grabs his nuts and recites catch phrases such as “Step up off me, nigga.” (Price: $59.99. $250 and up on Ebay.)

obama-wii2Wii Be Obama: Experience what it’s like to be the first Black President. In Wii Be Obama, you’re Barack, dodging claims of terrorist ties, tracking down Osama bin Laden, and convincing conservative members of Congress to see your point of view. To win, save the United States from the impending economic apocalypse and get elected to a second term, all while continuing to be a doting husband and father and finding time for basketball games with your boys. (Price: $39.95)

kim-before-and-after1Hooch Alert: For the woman in your life whose mirror has obviously malfunctioned. Adhere this microchip device to the back of your lady’s mirror and an ear-piercing alarm sounds anytime her outfit crosses into the realm of skankosity. This ground-breaking technology was tested on Lil’ Kim with amazing results. (Price: $99.99. No longer being embarrassed by your boo in public: Priceless.)

men_s_genuine_leather_beltLa Ceinture: Fresh off the Paris runways, La Ceinture is the Christmas gift for adolescent African-American boys. Crafted in fine Italian leather and finished off with a shiny metal closure, this is the must have accessory for 2009. ($19.99 and up.)

Note: This article is satire, brought to you by the creative minds at The Peoples News. The gift ideas aren’t real–except for La Ceinture, which is French for belt and what we wish black boys would use to keep their pants up around their waist.

© 2008 The Peoples News
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3 thoughts on “TPN’s Top Five Holiday Gifts for 2008

  1. *laughing out loud, fo’ real*

    Those were great!

    Posted by Kit (Keep It Trill) | December 22, 2008, 11:04 pm
  2. No, really – the “Hooch Alert” and the “La Ceinture” are must haves! Not the infomercial ‘we have created a need in your life that you did know you had to get you to part with you money’ must have. This is a ‘you needed this years ago and the world needs you to have it’ must have!

    Posted by Renee | December 23, 2008, 2:55 pm
  3. Hello there!

    I just wanted to drop by and bring holiday greetings!!

    I am a bit early but: “Happy New Year!”

    Posted by BlackWomenBlowTheTrumpet | December 27, 2008, 11:48 am

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