black women, family, Humor, Music, Satire

Ashlee Simpson Loses Naming Rights

By Craig Bates


A judge rules Simpson (with husband, Pete Wentz) won’t be able to independently name anymore of her children.

(LOS ANGELES) Singer Ashlee Simpson became the first non-black woman to lose naming rights of her children. Simpson’s rights were stripped Monday, 11 days after naming her newborn son Bronx Mowgli.

“It’s a stupid name, there’s no doubt of that,” U.S. Federal Judge Ryan Cabrera told The Peoples News. Earlier this year, Cabrera took naming rights away from black women in Detroit for giving their children “stupid names.” No white women had been affected until now.

Simpson, 24, married the father, Pete Wentz, mistakenly thinking nuptials would allow her to pick any name, no matter how crazy.

“I mean, Gwyneth named her child Apple and that went through, and then you had Nicolas Cage naming his son Kal-El…so I figured being white and married protected you from Judge Cabrera’s wrath,” Simpson said while continuing to recuperate at her home.

Cabrera, however, said he would have acted sooner, but only returned to the bench Monday following his relocation from Detroit.

“I admit I’ve let white people slide for years but at least Apple had a warm feeling to it and Kal-El is a name from Superman,” Cabrera said. “I had to draw a line somewhere.”

Simpson, he said, made it easy.

“Had it been Brooklyn Mowgli, maybe I would have let it go. But ‘Bronx’? That’s a stupid borough no one ever wants to visit let alone live in,” Cabrera said.

Simpson said she’s devastated.

“I really put some effort into naming my son and I’m sorry that I picked something so stupid as to have my rights taken away,” she said. “I really feel kinship with my Afro-American sisters.”

Under Cabrera’s ruling, three English-speaking Hispanic women will have to approve any name she picks. Simpson said she’s leaning toward naming her son Pete Jr.

Note: This article is satire, brought to you by the creative minds at The Peoples News. The name of Ashlee Simpson’s baby is real. The rest of the story is fiction, designed to make you think.

© 2008 The Peoples News



2 thoughts on “Ashlee Simpson Loses Naming Rights

  1. It’s about time somebody stepped in and stopped white women from naming their kids stupid names.

    I am sick of seeing little kids with horrible names, regardless of race. It is getting out of control.

    Did this judge take Sarah Palin’s right yet? Some of her kids are named Track, Bristol, and Trig. Just a thought, in the name of equal opportunity.

    Posted by Kelli | December 3, 2008, 11:47 am
  2. OMG…did she really name her child that???? That’s beyond horrible. Speaking for the rest of white people everywhere, we apologize on her behalf.
    And yeah, Kelli, I agree: Moosewoman must be next.

    Posted by Stephan | December 12, 2008, 6:00 pm

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