Humor, Satire

Black Mother First Person Arrested for Naming Her Child

By Bill Matthews

Alopecia Davies’ daughter still doesn’t have a name.

(DETROIT) The city’s controversial naming rights law has claimed its first victim.

Alopecia Davies, 18, was arrested this morning after she refused an order from the African American Name Beautification Committee to spell her daughter’s name with letters found in the standard English alphabet.

The girl’s name would have been pronounced something akin to ‘Chamillionaire,’ which likely would not have passed AANBC scrutiny. But Davies, who dropped out of Detroit’s Murray Wright High School after learning she was pregnant, wanted to spell it using Klingonese, a fictional language from the Star Trek television show.

Davies told The Peoples News she wasn’t a fan of the show but thought using the made-up language, which has a guttural sound, would make her daughter’s name unique.

“My one best girlfriend, she name her daughter Chameleon Air. My other girlfriend, she name her little girl Come Million Heir. So I had to make my baby special,” said Davies.

AANBC member Paula McQueen, one of the three whites charged with approving the baby’s name in this case, said Davies should have found another way. The committee tried to work with her.

“We suggested Camille or even Kami,” says McQueen. “There aren’t any baby girls in her neighborhood that have fewer than four syllables in their name, so that would’ve made her daughter stand out.”

The AANBC has been called into 410 births where mothers have chosen suspect names. But this was the first time the mother refused to tone down their first choice.

“She just refused to use any of the internationally recognized alphabets,” McQueen said. “Even using Mandarin would have been acceptable. But no.”

The committee has been highly scrutinized recently, since it allowed a mother to name her daughter ‘Kanapay.’ Members found it borderline acceptable, until being told too late that it was actually a homophone for the French word canapé, which means ‘sofa.’

“If someone can still name their child ‘Sofa,’ then this committee is toothless,” said U.S. Federal Judge Ryan Cabrera, who ruled in March that black women in Detroit could no longer name their children.

When told about today’s arrest, Cabrera was pleased.

“It was these kinds of idiotic names that I was trying to eliminate in the first place,” he said.

Detroit Police arrested Davies at Detroit-Mercy Hospital after she scribbled something on the girl’s birth certificate. The department’s cryptologist confirmed the writing was Klingonese, but that Davis had actually spelled out the nonsensical ‘Chappatoomee.’

When told of her mistake, Davies said “Ooh, that’s pretty.”

She is due in court August 2 and faces a fine of $500 and 90 days in jail.

This isn’t the Davies family’s first run-in with police this year. Her older sister, Venitra, was arrested in New York in April for assaulting a co-worker who touched her hair. (See Black Woman’s Hair Touched One Too Many Times.)
Note: This article is satire, brought to you by the creative minds at The Peoples News. It’s not real, but we hope it made you think.
© 2008 The Peoples News

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17 thoughts on “Black Mother First Person Arrested for Naming Her Child

  1. LMAO! (Hey, am I first?) You do realize that the the Trekkies are going to hit this site hard, right? Their moment of triumph. . .

    Not that you care, but still. . .

    I can’t wait to see the responses

    Posted by Victoria | July 25, 2008, 1:34 am
  2. “Alopecia” has a sister with hair issues… Hahahah!
    “Ooh, that’s pretty”!

    Posted by Renee | July 25, 2008, 3:37 pm
  3. Oh sh–! This is the funniest thing I’ve read in a while!

    Thanks for the laughs!!!! LOL!!!

    Posted by dmx | July 25, 2008, 3:54 pm
  4. This one really made me laugh. anybody got a good white approved name for this baby?

    Posted by kelli | July 25, 2008, 8:29 pm
  5. LMAO! It’s a damn name, they need to get over it, at least she didn’t name it after a car

    Posted by NIkki | July 26, 2008, 9:24 pm
  6. Why doesn’t Detroit just make the children wards of course like they do in New Zealand:

    “A judge in New Zealand made a young girl a ward of court so that she could change the name she hated – Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii. “

    Posted by PJH | July 27, 2008, 12:19 pm
  7. Is this a joke? The woman is named Alopecia? I also honest to God came across a woman in a database at a former job whom was apparently named “Candida”. Which I’m pretty sure is a yeast infection. What the hell is wrong with people?

    “Alopecia or hair loss is the medical description of the loss of hair from the head or body, sometimes to the extent of baldness.”

    Posted by What? | August 7, 2008, 9:54 am
  8. Ah, it is a joke. LOL. I didn’t read the article first. Lo siento.

    Posted by What? | August 7, 2008, 9:56 am
  9. I worked with a woman named Melena one time; THAT was funny!!!
    I don’t care much for eccentric names, but this is a free country, and those parents have a right to name their kids whatever they want. Even if it does become a blessing or a curse for the said child…

    Posted by Bill | August 7, 2008, 6:51 pm
  10. I see why there was some DEMENTIA occurring because the Mamma name is still reeling from the fumes at birth regarding her name.

    ALOPECIA for real, that is even SPELLED like the hair loss issue that we as blacks deal with.

    If there is ANY consolation, WHITE FOLK suffer from ALOPECIA too.

    Posted by Greta | October 15, 2008, 3:59 am
  11. As much as I find these post to be hilarious…. I am from Detroit and I have a normal name (Kyndal…Kendall) and when I have children their names will not stop them from getting job interviews!!! My entire family all have normal names too!

    Posted by Kyndal | November 7, 2008, 1:14 am
  12. I am Klingon. Where do I find these human idiots that would strip a child of an honorable name to turn her into another weak “Jenny”? My sword is sharp and my vision sharper!

    Posted by B'Kai L'Yanaa | January 9, 2009, 1:05 am
  13. How about naming her “Spock”, or “Live Long and Prosper”? And I’m sorry but Klingon can be translated into english. Kaplah!

    Posted by Daymon The Basketeere | February 22, 2009, 12:31 pm
  14. How about “Boldly Go” or”Sue-loo”? LOL

    Posted by Daymon The Basketeere | February 22, 2009, 12:36 pm
  15. I have never hear of this stupid committe and I have four children born in Detroit , we don’t have to like it but this is the name this young lady chose. When did State and Government start telling people what to name their children, and did they check some of the foriegn names coming across their desk. We have already been stripped of our name once ( as black people ) now again by whites, so in other words long as we carry our white slave name its all good . Taylor, Willis, Williams, Robinson,Frederick,Pugh,Johnson my history tells me this is not my name either????? By Jesus name what shall I be called ?

    Posted by Anita | August 26, 2010, 8:46 pm
  16. Read the disclaimer at the end of the article.

    By the way all you people that think these articles are real, I’ve got a few contracts I’d like y’all to sign.

    The Peoples News responds: They are real, Lou. They exist.

    Posted by Lou | August 31, 2010, 8:20 am
  17. Well excuse me Socrates!

    Oooo, getting all philosophical on me hunh, People’s news?

    Posted by Lou | August 31, 2010, 11:09 am

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