By Craig Bates
Jabari Crawford doesn’t get sleepy anymore after lunch–and you don’t have to either!
(ATLANTA) For years, blacks have been besieged around 2 p.m. by an irresistible desire to fall asleep. This ailment, known among African Americans as “The Itis,” is a detriment, even though it has taught generations to cope by sleeping while sitting at one’s desk, operating heavy equipment or even conduct meetings as Secretary of State.
But now, Jabari Crawford, who works at the Sleep Disorders Center of Georgia, has found a cure for the disease, which some cultures call a “Food Coma.” The discovery was an accident, Crawford said, when he had a sore shoulder and sore throat just before 2 p.m. on May 21.
“I reached for some Bayer Aspirin and Robitussin, but then I started to fall asleep,” Crawford told The Peoples News. “I was so tired I accidentally put two aspirin in the spoon with the ‘tussin. Oh my God! I came right awake. It’s like the combination scared away The Itis.”
In the last two weeks, Crawford, a security guard at the sleep center, tested his cure on friends and family members, with remarkable success.
“I was so embarrassed by the Itis that I would pretend I was drunk just to hide it,” said Crawford’s sister, Shawnee Tucker, who takes the mixture every day. “But these last few weeks I’ve picked my kids up from school full of energy, and they let me in the WalMart now too.”
Crawford has already been nominated for a Nobel Prize in medicine. On Monday, drug company Novartis won a bidding war to buy his formula for undisclosed millions. The company plans to market it under several names: Itis Away in urban areas, and Food Coma No More in suburbs. It should be in drugstores by mid-August, said a Novartis spokesman.
As for Crawford, he’s thinking of leaving his security job and devoting himself to research.
“If I can figure out how to get rid of ash, I’ll really have done something,” he said.
Note: This article is satire, brought to you by the creative minds at The Peoples News. It’s not real, but we hope it made you think.
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