African American, Humor, Satire

Georgia Man Finds Cure For “The Itis”

By Craig Bates

Jabari Crawford doesn’t get sleepy anymore after lunch–and you don’t have to either!

(ATLANTA) For years, blacks have been besieged around 2 p.m. by an irresistible desire to fall asleep. This ailment, known among African Americans as “The Itis,” is a detriment, even though it has taught generations to cope by sleeping while sitting at one’s desk, operating heavy equipment or even conduct meetings as Secretary of State.

But now, Jabari Crawford, who works at the Sleep Disorders Center of Georgia, has found a cure for the disease, which some cultures call a “Food Coma.” The discovery was an accident, Crawford said, when he had a sore shoulder and sore throat just before 2 p.m. on May 21.

“I reached for some Bayer Aspirin and Robitussin, but then I started to fall asleep,” Crawford told The Peoples News. “I was so tired I accidentally put two aspirin in the spoon with the ‘tussin. Oh my God! I came right awake. It’s like the combination scared away The Itis.”

In the last two weeks, Crawford, a security guard at the sleep center, tested his cure on friends and family members, with remarkable success.

“I was so embarrassed by the Itis that I would pretend I was drunk just to hide it,” said Crawford’s sister, Shawnee Tucker, who takes the mixture every day. “But these last few weeks I’ve picked my kids up from school full of energy, and they let me in the WalMart now too.”

Crawford has already been nominated for a Nobel Prize in medicine. On Monday, drug company Novartis won a bidding war to buy his formula for undisclosed millions. The company plans to market it under several names: Itis Away in urban areas, and Food Coma No More in suburbs. It should be in drugstores by mid-August, said a Novartis spokesman.

As for Crawford, he’s thinking of leaving his security job and devoting himself to research.

“If I can figure out how to get rid of ash, I’ll really have done something,” he said.

Note: This article is satire, brought to you by the creative minds at The Peoples News. It’s not real, but we hope it made you think.

© 2008 The Peoples News

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6 thoughts on “Georgia Man Finds Cure For “The Itis”

  1. O lucky day! The itis and “ashines” cured in one week? Now I can save on lotion, and feel free to feast on greens and mac’n cheese for lunch without facing the consequences. This is a momentous moment in black history!

    Posted by Lou | June 13, 2008, 7:46 am
  2. This was too funny, my co-workers and myself get the Itis at least 3 days a week at the office, lmao!

    Posted by pooh92 | June 13, 2008, 12:09 pm
  3. Whoa hang on! The Itis is an equal opportunity affliction!

    And I thought it was just meee…..

    Posted by phel | June 14, 2008, 5:46 pm
  4. No more Itis nor Ash? Glory!

    Posted by FuturePharmD | June 16, 2008, 11:34 pm
  5. Sweeeeet! now I can eat ribs err day fo lunch, and run out the house without worrying about my elbows and knuckles!

    Posted by Blu | June 24, 2008, 11:32 am
  6. Golly gee whilikers…

    I need to get my whole family some Itis Cream and Anti-Ash Pills.

    Posted by Lz4broc | June 27, 2008, 12:28 pm

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