Panel to Pick Black Kids’ Names Is Set

By Bill Matthews

 Molly Petry, a suburban Detroit homemaker (pictured with her two children, Jacob and Esther), is one of the first members of the African American Name Beautification Committee

(LIVONIA, MICH) A stay at home mom, an elementary school teacher and a deli owner are the first members of the controversial African American Name Beautification Committee.

The AANBC was commissioned in March to oversee the names African American mothers give their children, after U.S. Federal Judge Ryan Cabrera mandated that a committee made up of three white people oversee the process.

“I’m just happy that I can be a part of this process,” says Molly Petry, a homemaker from Livonia, a suburb west of Detroit. Petry, who named her two children Jacob and Esther, said she favors Biblical names.

“If it’s good enough for our Lord, it’s good enough for the blacks too,” she says.

The other members are Robert “Dick” Dodd, the owner of Dodd’s Deli in Dearborn Heights and Paula McQueen, who teaches third grade at Brailsford Elementary School in Northville.

“I definitely think some good will come from this,” Dodd said cheerfully. “We can teach them how to pick good, pronounceable, spell-able names.”

A few blacks objected to the committee, saying Cabrera’s ruling is racist, a violation of the Constitution and reminiscent of slavery. U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice even began a campaign in March to get Cabrera removed from office.

But she met resistance from an unexpected source: African Americans.

Our Kind of People, a coalition of powerful, upper-crust blacks, blocked Rice’s drive.

“We feel African Americans have to get back to their roots. Or maybe even Roots,” says founder Martha Jackson. “There is nothing wrong with being named Toby.”

Rice, in a statement exclusive to The Peoples News, said “The Republican base supports this, as does Hillary Clinton, so I was defeated before I even began.”

Note: This article is satire, brought to you by the creative minds at The Peoples News. It’s not real, but we hope it made you think.

© 2008 The Peoples News

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4 thoughts on “Panel to Pick Black Kids’ Names Is Set

  1. Oh, maaannnn, I should know better than to be drinking coffee when reading this site…

    My employer’s monitor resents you.


    Posted by ophelia | June 4, 2008, 9:51 am
  2. I wonder what the criteria is for being on the committee. I mean… given the new law on being white…
    Biblical names? Jashobeam, Beelzebub, Zerubbabel. I think the baby boys are going to get hit hard on this one, while the girls are getting hit with Hillary, Abigail, and Phoebe.

    Posted by Renee | June 4, 2008, 11:19 am
  3. just seeing the names Jacob and Esther makes me wince. what is this 1920?

    the reason people name their children such bizarre names is because no one taught them proper…it has nothing to do with Black or White.

    Posted by Lz4broc | June 4, 2008, 12:32 pm
  4. Fuck this shit! ill name my kid a whole paragraph if i want… if this is real i swear to god ima do what i can to take this crap down, what ever judge ruled this takes it up the ass (especially if its a guy).

    pieces of shit people that abuse they’re power need it stripped from them, and here in like 8 years ima make sure it happens, if not then im going to advertise this untill its over ruled (due to 95% of the US gettin PISSED)

    The Peoples News responds: Sigh.

    Posted by the guy thats going to bring down the house! | September 11, 2011, 10:58 pm

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