Rolex’s New Watch Keeps CP Time

By Shawna Collier

Flava Flav is the new face of CP Time

(GENEVA, SWITZERLAND) The best minds in timekeeping have teamed with one of the best known clock-wearers to market a revolutionary new watch to African Americans, the Cellini Phoenix Time Piece.

Known as CP Time, the watch allows wearers to show up late, but act like they’re on time.

“Yeeeeaaahhhhhhhhhh BOYEEEEEEE!” Rolex’s celebrity partner, legendary hype man Flava Flav, told The Peoples News.

The exterior of CP Time gleams with a timeless beauty. It’s covered with a gold-colored alloy that turns green upon extended exposure to skin and sparkling chips around the perimeter that bring to mind diamonds. Inside is the latest technology in levers and gaskets that keep a time so precise that no matter where you are in the world, the watch is always 20 minutes slow.

“But now, G, you ain’t gotta be makin’ up no excuses about it, like ‘My moms was buggin’ or ‘My parole officer was buggin,’” said Flav, who wore a CP Time around his neck. “You just walk in and be like, yo’, look at my watch. FLAVA FLAV!”

Air traffic controller Brian Hackworth, who participated in a field test for Rolex, said CP Time kept him from getting fired last week.

“I was late and planes were just coming in from all over,” said Brian. “But I pointed to CP Time. My boss just laughed. He understood.”

Rolex’s spokesman made a statement in Swiss that sounded something like this: “A norshkin dorshkin dorshkin norshkin. Bork bork.”

Flav was similarly incoherent.

“You know what time it is!” he yelled repeatedly until passing out.

Note: This article is humor, brought to you by the creative minds at The Peoples News—and reader Brian Hackworth, who gave us the idea but, as far as we know, is always on time for work and is not an air traffic controller.

© 2008 The Peoples News

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6 thoughts on “Rolex’s New Watch Keeps CP Time

  1. Beyond the fact that there is no such language as “Swiss,” this is truly one of the funniest things I’ve read in a long while. And remember: it’s SATIRE, folks!

    The Peoples News responds: Eagle-eyed readers will spot that the person giving the comment is the Swedish Chef from the Muppets. Oops, we gave it away!

    Posted by Gayle | May 3, 2008, 3:14 pm
  2. LOL. Nicely done.

    Posted by MixedTapeTerry | May 5, 2008, 2:58 pm
  3. Shoot this is SO TRUE. I got at least 5 relatives who need that Watch!

    Posted by Lz4broc | May 7, 2008, 1:35 am
  4. Dammit!! This one is too obviously fake. No one will fall for it!!!

    ..or will they?? *sits back and waits*

    Posted by Blu | May 7, 2008, 11:34 am
  5. This was absolutely hilarious! I know I need that watch LOL. I’m trying to laugh quietly at work while tears stream down my checks…Bork bork!

    Posted by Naemah | May 19, 2008, 2:41 pm
  6. “A norshkin dorshkin dorshkin norshkin. Bork bork.”

    LMAO I need the clock Im always on my own time!!!

    Posted by Kyndal | November 7, 2008, 1:35 am

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