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New Law Makes Everyone White

By Craig Bates 

Which one is white? All of them!

(WASHINGTON D.C.) In a special session yesterday morning, the U.S. House of Representatives overwhelmingly approved the reclassification of just about everyone in the country to ‘white.’ Now, anyone with one drop of white blood is officially Caucasian.

“We welcome all our new white brothers,” said an ebullient Rep. Tom Latham (R-Iowa), who has been white since birth.

Previously, under the ‘one drop’ rule, anyone with at least one black ancestor was considered African American. While many very light-skinned, curly-haired blacks like basketball legend Larry Bird and President George Bush have long passed themselves off as white anyway, Congress felt it was time to abolish the archaic rule completely.

The measure had an immediate effect. Weave sales in Jackson, Miss. plummeted 72 percent as former blacks realized that no matter what their hair looks like, it’s white. A whole fleet of businesses that anchor urban communities–check cashing places, barber shops, liquor stores and pawn shops–disappeared overnight. In their place sprang up Starbucks, Gap Kids, eco-friendly dry cleaners and Pottery Barn. Newly white illegal immigrants from Mexico also were welcomed into communities that previously scorned them.

“This ruling has really given me a new outlook on life,” said newly white Emanuel Johnson, as he tried on a fleece jacket and chinos at Old Navy. Then he laughed. “Listen to me, stringing words together like that. I sound so white!”

Throughout urban neighborhoods, people celebrated their whiteness with barbecues—but in their backyards rather than on the front lawn. Some newly white people even went so far as to serve Grey Poupon instead of French’s mustard with their hot dogs.

This is a great day for all of us,” said U.S. Rep. Carolyn Cheeks Kilpatrick, (D-Mich.), a newly white woman who formerly chaired the Congressional Black Caucus. The CBC, in fact, now only has two members: Stephanie Tubbs Jones, (D-Ohio), and Jesse Jackson Jr., (D-Ill).

No one is sure how far the repercussions will go. Affirmative action was scrapped in a session immediately after the historic vote, and newspapers have written stories about the dual crises of white-on-white crime and the overwhelming number of whites on welfare.

Nevertheless, white-from-birth Congressmen who introduced the measure are ecstatic. They were very concerned by the projection that whites would become the minority by 2050. The new law puts an end to that. In fact, since its passage, the white population has soared 40 percent, and will remain the overwhelming majority for the foreseeable future.

“Certainly as long as we keep getting these Spanish-speaking white immigrants from Mexico, we’ll be OK,” said Latham.

 Note: This article is satire, brought to you by the creative minds at The Peoples News. It’s not real, but we hope it made you think.


© 2008 The Peoples News

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Discussion

4 thoughts on “New Law Makes Everyone White

  1. And they got all their sports back too!

    Posted by jc | April 24, 2008, 2:51 am
  2. I love it! In 7th grade, the school administration was concerned that I was confused about my racial identity because I raised my hand twice for a racial census….this will make things so much easier.

    Posted by Rose | April 24, 2008, 7:18 am
  3. How funny and true. Wouldn’t the world be such a better place if we really could move beyond using color as a crutch and just saw each other (and ourselves) as equals. Keep up the good work!

    Posted by cwm | April 26, 2008, 10:33 am
  4. You clowns are the greatest. I haven’t run across really funny anti-PC stuff like this since the days of Akroyd, Belushi, and Radner on SNL. Roseanne Roseannadanna would LOVE IT! And if someone gets a little huffy, just say “We’re from France.”

    Posted by John A. Russell | April 26, 2008, 3:31 pm

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