Humor, Satire

Detroit Mayor Blames Racism For Lack of 24/7 Attention to His Sex Scandal

By Bill Matthews

kwame2.jpg

Just before lunch, Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick plans what trifling things he will do the rest of the day.

(DETROIT) The city’s embattled mayor, Kwame Kilpatrick, says his trifling ways haven’t received the national attention he craves because he’s black.

“No one is more trifling than me, not even Eliot Spitzer,” Kilpatrick told The Peoples News this afternoon, referring to the Jewish former governor of New York who recently resigned following an admission he had sex with prostitutes. “But has CNN camped outside my house? Are they calling my friends for comment? It’s blatant racism for the networks to not realize how trifling I am.”

Kilpatrick, 37, has indeed set new trifling standards. In his recent State of the City address, he used the N-word. And, after years of lying—a sign of a truly devout trifler—the married mayor finally admitted that he and an aide, Christine Beatty, had a long-term affair. Unaware that text messages could be traced, he and Beatty exchanged thousands, many of them sexual.

“Aww man, I don’t know anything about technology,” Kilpatrick says with a sheepish grin. “I’m keepin’ it real.”

On March 24, Kilpatrick was charged with eight felony counts, including perjury and obstruction of justice, for lying under oath about his relationship with Beatty.

“And still no media has come knocking at my door at all hours of the day,” he laments. “Just police.”

Kilpatrick said the lack of 24-7 attention has created a financial burden for his city. He dropped more than $3,000 of taxpayer money on suits at Mr. Walls Clothing Store in downtown Detroit in anticipation of the expected media crush following his admission that he had sex with Beatty. So far, the purple, red and yellow pinstriped suits he bought hang in his closet, unworn beside their matching fedoras and Stacey Adams shoes.

Though Eliot Spitzer’s sexcapades received round-the-clock coverage for a week, news editors at CNN and Fox News said racism has nothing to do with their lack of interest in Kilpatrick’s exploits. Instead, they say they are simply bored.

“He’s like a political Britney Spears,” says Ben Crabtree, assignment news director at CNN. “Eventually you get tired of pointing out how trifling someone is.”

Kilpatrick has become more trifling the longer he stays in office. In 2005, he won a second term, beating out rival Freman Hendrix, largely by claiming that Hendrix wasn’t black enough to lead the city. He ran up a credit card bill of more than $200,000. And once, while his wife, Carlita, was away, Kilpatrick reportedly had a party at the mayor’s official home, the Manoogian Mansion, complete with barbecuing on the front lawn and strippers.

Carlita, also no slouch at being trifling, arrived home mid-party and allegedly beat down one of the strippers, Tamara Green, who was later murdered in a drive-by shooting. (Green’s family believes Tamara’s murder was orchestrated by the Detroit Police Department and is suing the city.)

For now, Kilpatrick is at a loss on how to bring the excessive coverage he desires, but says he will remain in office until he thinks of something. The extra attention, he claims, will be good for his city, which has known plenty of hard times since about 1954.

“Detroiters need something to make them feel good about themselves,” Kilpatrick says. “They can just look at me and feel better right away.”

Note: This article is satire, brought to you by the creative minds at The Peoples News. Sadly, most of Kilpatrick’s antics described here are true.

© 2008 The Peoples News

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Discussion

18 thoughts on “Detroit Mayor Blames Racism For Lack of 24/7 Attention to His Sex Scandal

  1. it’s a shame those suits had to go 2 waste..damn racist media bastards

    Posted by Paris | March 27, 2008, 3:29 am
  2. We don’t have enough problems so you have to go publishing this article to further humiliate this black man and bring him down.

    I haven’t read anything about him using taxpayer’s dollars to pay for suits! He’s a good black man, he’s just caught in a bad situation and you ought to be ashamed bringing more problems to his door!

    Posted by Roy Jenkins | March 27, 2008, 9:10 am
  3. And I thought we had it bad here in Boston with Mayor Menino.

    Posted by D 2 da izzle | March 27, 2008, 10:16 am
  4. I certainly agree that he is more trifling than former Gov. Spitzer. At least Spitzer used his own money and had enough savvy to try to fool people with different bank accounts and such. Kwame is just texting his heart out not knowing that if they can trace phone records of actually conversations, they can probably trace texts from those same phones.

    Posted by TeacherC | March 27, 2008, 1:28 pm
  5. Maybe he can sell his suits and use the money for his defense fund!!!!!

    Posted by Margaret | March 27, 2008, 6:30 pm
  6. woo hoo, did ya’ll say triflin?

    Posted by It's Me | March 28, 2008, 12:32 am
  7. Stacey Adams shoes!!! ROFLMAO!!!

    I have to stop coming to this site in the morning…this is the second time this week Ive shot coffee out of my nose.

    Posted by The Vinyl Villager | March 28, 2008, 9:22 am
  8. “Aww man, I don’t know anything about technology,” Kilpatrick says with a sheepish grin. “I’m keepin’ it real.” & “…he used the N-word.”

    You all are NUTS!!! I had to go watch Chris Rock immediately after reading this.

    “I don’t know nuthin’ about that s***! I’m keepin’ it real.”

    I am so mad at this man I don’t know what to do with myself.

    Posted by MilanFromCA | March 29, 2008, 7:31 pm
  9. I stumbled on this site thanks to a listing of one of your articles on Snopes.com that apparently really scared some people. This is one of the funniest sites I’ve seen in ages. Great work, guys!

    Posted by Stephan | March 31, 2008, 1:28 pm
  10. Its real sad watching the BBC news and seeing a story about the Mayor of Detroit. lol

    I hope everyone reads your articles. Ha ha ha.

    I almost fell outta my seat when my wife told me about this site.

    Posted by Lz4broc | March 31, 2008, 2:57 pm
  11. Kilpatrick, Spitzer, nor Menino have anything on Marion (Triflin’) Barry (former Mayor of DC). He’s so triflin’, he got caught on tape smoking crack in a hotel with a woman he was cheating on his wife with. He goes to jail, is released, and gets caught again smoking drugs…this time in his car in a popular and PUBLIC park! Since then, he continues to get [caught] high, been charged with failing to file taxes, and the list goes on.

    But I guess he’s in the right place because his constituents LOVE him. He served another term as Mayor after being released from jail… and currently serves as a DC Councilman.

    Posted by WhoseMayorIsWorse | April 3, 2008, 5:53 pm
  12. Nice one Citizens of Detroit! You vote in a Mayor named “Kwame”…….uh….what did you expect….???!!

    This brotha even looks like Suge Knight!

    Next time you vote for mayor, you might want to vote for a Steve Erkel lookin’ brotha like Obama.

    Posted by Cracker Jack | April 13, 2008, 12:06 pm
  13. This article is hilarious, like the others, but this one is different in one aspect. I can’t tell how much of it is fiction. I’d believe that he actually used the N word and that he had a party with strippers, etc. I’m going to have to research now.

    Posted by CW | April 21, 2008, 11:55 am
  14. lol
    barbecueing on the front lawn.
    (Green’s family believes Tamara’s murder was orchestrated by the Detroit Police Department and is suing the city.)

    Posted by Laughing | June 28, 2008, 1:53 pm
  15. I remember when Detroit was a haven for the creative and the intellectuals. Last time I went to the DIA downtown, about 8 or 10 years ago, with my father, Ross Norberry, there were gang symbols painted on the building sides next door to the DIA. Man, I had a really nice education in Northern Suburb of Lathrup Village (albeit maybe too much freedom), but we used to go to the Historical Museum at least yearly. I have friends who are afraid of downtown Centreville, now, (Amish), and that just CRACKS ME UP!!! I used to hitchike up and down Woodward with my girlfriend, Julie M. and we never got hurt. That was in the early 70’s, between 7-12 mile and Woodward. Trainors Bar on 10 mile and Woodward, puked my guts out there, age 16. I don’t know what Detroit is like now. Really don’t want to know. Kalamazoo is enough urban-ness for me. Crow’s Nest 24 hour coffee shop with the kids trying to look tough with their cigarettes and tattoos, they don’t scare me!!! I’m a former Detroiter (well, Lathrup-er).

    Posted by Val | July 8, 2008, 9:31 am
  16. That was perfect. You nailed it. He really did show up to some event in a mink coat, didn’t he?

    Posted by Faye | August 30, 2008, 4:37 pm
  17. to Roy Jenkins: The “ex”-mayor is not a good man. He committed multiple felonies, and confessed. He’s going to jail. He is bad man (black or otherwise).

    Posted by Alfred Hussien Newman | September 4, 2008, 3:40 pm
  18. So much bothers me about Kwame Kilpatrick. I worked for an organization years ago where we held a forum Kilpatrick and Gil Hill were our speakers. this was before Kilpatrick was in office. In an attempt to show Carlita her seat, she displayed just how much class she had, little. I remeber discussing just how ghetto she was and wondered if Detroit’s Mayor would be mature enough to handle the power of the position. No matter how brilliant one may be, the lack of experience will cause one to be arrogant and haughty feeling as if they could get away with murder. I can’t wait until they prove everything else he is guilty of. Althought people to make mistakes we all have to suffer the consequences. You reap what you sew. Another people don’t think. Everytime someone gets caught lying or cheating they act as if this must be the one and only time. For example when Clinton cheated on Hillary. I died laughfing like do you think that Lawinski was such a prize that this is the only women he cheated on her with. I mean whats wrong with these people. I caught my ex cheating but he cheated with dozens. Kwame has been lying and cheating for years he just hasn’t gotten caught with everything yet. However, things always come back to haunt us.

    Posted by Lisa | September 5, 2008, 11:47 pm

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