By Bill Matthews
Just before lunch, Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick plans what trifling things he will do the rest of the day.
(DETROIT) The city’s embattled mayor, Kwame Kilpatrick, says his trifling ways haven’t received the national attention he craves because he’s black.
“No one is more trifling than me, not even Eliot Spitzer,” Kilpatrick told The Peoples News this afternoon, referring to the Jewish former governor of New York who recently resigned following an admission he had sex with prostitutes. “But has CNN camped outside my house? Are they calling my friends for comment? It’s blatant racism for the networks to not realize how trifling I am.”
Kilpatrick, 37, has indeed set new trifling standards. In his recent State of the City address, he used the N-word. And, after years of lying—a sign of a truly devout trifler—the married mayor finally admitted that he and an aide, Christine Beatty, had a long-term affair. Unaware that text messages could be traced, he and Beatty exchanged thousands, many of them sexual.
“Aww man, I don’t know anything about technology,” Kilpatrick says with a sheepish grin. “I’m keepin’ it real.”
On March 24, Kilpatrick was charged with eight felony counts, including perjury and obstruction of justice, for lying under oath about his relationship with Beatty.
“And still no media has come knocking at my door at all hours of the day,” he laments. “Just police.”
Kilpatrick said the lack of 24-7 attention has created a financial burden for his city. He dropped more than $3,000 of taxpayer money on suits at Mr. Walls Clothing Store in downtown Detroit in anticipation of the expected media crush following his admission that he had sex with Beatty. So far, the purple, red and yellow pinstriped suits he bought hang in his closet, unworn beside their matching fedoras and Stacey Adams shoes.
Though Eliot Spitzer’s sexcapades received round-the-clock coverage for a week, news editors at CNN and Fox News said racism has nothing to do with their lack of interest in Kilpatrick’s exploits. Instead, they say they are simply bored.
“He’s like a political Britney Spears,” says Ben Crabtree, assignment news director at CNN. “Eventually you get tired of pointing out how trifling someone is.”
Kilpatrick has become more trifling the longer he stays in office. In 2005, he won a second term, beating out rival Freman Hendrix, largely by claiming that Hendrix wasn’t black enough to lead the city. He ran up a credit card bill of more than $200,000. And once, while his wife, Carlita, was away, Kilpatrick reportedly had a party at the mayor’s official home, the Manoogian Mansion, complete with barbecuing on the front lawn and strippers.
Carlita, also no slouch at being trifling, arrived home mid-party and allegedly beat down one of the strippers, Tamara Green, who was later murdered in a drive-by shooting. (Green’s family believes Tamara’s murder was orchestrated by the Detroit Police Department and is suing the city.)
For now, Kilpatrick is at a loss on how to bring the excessive coverage he desires, but says he will remain in office until he thinks of something. The extra attention, he claims, will be good for his city, which has known plenty of hard times since about 1954.
“Detroiters need something to make them feel good about themselves,” Kilpatrick says. “They can just look at me and feel better right away.”
Note: This article is satire, brought to you by the creative minds at The Peoples News. Sadly, most of Kilpatrick’s antics described here are true.
© 2008 The Peoples News