Humor, Satire

Condi Calls for Removal of Detroit ‘Naming Rights’ Judge

By Bill Matthews


Judge Ryan Cabrera Says His Naming-Rights Ruling Has Been Misinterpreted

(Washington, DC) Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is demanding the dismissal of U.S. Federal Court Judge Ryan Cabrera. Last week, after becoming fed up with what he described as “stupid names,” Cabrera ruled that black women would no longer be able to choose the name of their own children without first consulting—and gaining the approval of—a committee of three whites. (See Federal Judge: Enough With the Stupid Names)

“I am outraged that Cabrera has issued a ruling designed to minimize black women’s creativity when naming their children,” says Rice. “Having a unique name is a blessing. I might not have gotten as far as I have without the extra e and z in my name.”

Rice has no legal authority to remove Cabrera from his post; however, she has started a petition for those in support of creative naming and the dismissal of Cabrera. Among the signers are a host of America’s black celebrities including Oprah Winfrey, Barack Obama, Erykah Badu, Bokeem Woodbine and half the players in the NBA and NFL.

“We’re all examples of black people with unusual names who have beaten the odds,” says Rice. “We’re an inspiration to kids, like…well, I can’t pronounce their names, but they know who they are.”

Cabrera contends that his ruling has been widely misinterpreted. “I’m all for women who want to celebrate their heritage by giving their children African names or other names that mean something,” Cabrera says. “They just need to spell them right.”

Cabrera cited Uneeqqi Jenkins, a 22-year-old Detroit resident as one of the biggest offenders. While she named her oldest son Daryl, she chose to name her other children Q’Antity, Uhlleejsha, Cray-Ig, Fellisittee, Tay’Sh’awn and Day’Shawndra.

“Quantity is no name for a child,” says Cabrera. “And the way her mother chose to spell it is just criminal.”

Note: This article is satire, brought to you by the creative minds at The Peoples News. It’s not real, but we hope it made you think.

© 2008 The Peoples News


37 thoughts on “Condi Calls for Removal of Detroit ‘Naming Rights’ Judge

  1. I’m a bit confused by this site. I do understand that is run mainly by people of color and is meant to be satire..what what I also understand is a great many blacks in America do not have access to or own computers. So, the people this site is probably trying to get thinking aboust these issues aren’t even reading this. Instead you have a good majority of White folks who have no idea what the black culture is all about….

    Posted by Keisha | March 19, 2008, 12:48 pm
  2. Thank you, Secretary of State, Condoleezza Rice, for stepping up and addressing this issue. Naming a child, is a right, that must not be taken away, by anyone, just because, it is viewed as an inconvenience. To single out, Black mothers alone, is especially offensive. There are unusual names, in all races. The child can always change their own name , if they desire, when they are of age .

    Posted by S.L. Dawson | March 19, 2008, 10:01 pm
  3. Wow, this is incredible. What if African American people submit a Bill that requires all the polish people to change all the polish last names that no one pronounce. If Judge Cabrera has nothing better to do with his time, maybe he should step down. As for the teachers, get over it.

    Posted by A. C. J. | March 20, 2008, 11:47 am
  4. It seems sites like this, although Onion like in their purpose, funny and thought provoking, rile up the very folks we laugh at in your productions. Let’s hope they, the media/black pastors don’t drag Mr. O in to explain his position on these observations. Thank you for having the nerve to write this stuff up.

    Posted by Robert M | March 20, 2008, 3:00 pm
  5. My best friend sent this article to me and said she didn’t believe it was real. Immediately I Googled it to see if I could verify the story, all the while terrified about the possibility that it was true. …Whew!… While, I agree that names these days are getting extremely ridiculous and the long term effects are more detrimental than ever, prohibiting a person’s free will is simply the wrong way to go about eliminating the problem. I also agree with the first commenter, those that need to think and be reminded of this are often not even in a position to pay attention. Good one though…

    Posted by Ntuition | March 21, 2008, 8:45 am
  6. Is Keisha still living in the 1920s? Wake up! This is the year 2008 and Blacks have come up a bit America from Massa’s plantation. Not only do we now driver Benzes and Beemers but some of us even have 2 and 3 computers in our home let alone none.

    Posted by Teddy Gass | March 21, 2008, 3:04 pm
  7. I googled this and got no relaiable hits that substantiate what is claimed in this article. Surely, if the Secretary of State got involved it would be on CNN or NBC. Are we spreading ignorance? Or are we truly able going to publish informtion that true and accurate as most people won’t take the time to see if it’s accurate, they’ll just forward the foolish/ignorance on.

    Posted by Anaya | March 21, 2008, 9:47 pm
  8. Keisha…
    You are so full of it.. “”I’m a bit confused by this site. I do understand that is run mainly by people of color and is meant to be satire..what what I also understand is a great many blacks in America do not have access to or own computers.””

    Blacks have just as much access to computers as anyone else.. If they are poor, they can use the library just like poor white, yellow or brown people. There are computers in schools as well.
    Even poor schools.

    Posted by Judge | March 24, 2008, 4:23 am
  9. no it is not real. come on! read the whole page! it’s funny stuff!

    Posted by haha h | March 24, 2008, 11:40 am
  10. Why did ntuition have to google it when the article itself says it’s not real??? Are the comment posters part of the satire?

    Posted by Phil | March 24, 2008, 2:09 pm
  11. Bravo, Peoples News, for making a wonderful satirical article and getting people talking about it. I had a great laugh!

    Posted by yowiemommy | March 24, 2008, 3:03 pm
  12. I really don’t think the point of this particular series of articles is to get anybody to really “think,” Keisha. More importantly, I don’t think the purpose is to educate “White America” at all. So, considering that the sole purpose of the articles is to get a laugh, let’s think about who the article might actually be targeting. So, let’s go ahead and rule out “White America” who has no idea that these types of names exists with the exception of those middle class white women who teach in inner city schools and the few sports fans out there trying to figure out where LeBron’s mom came up with his name. While we’re at it why don’t we go ahead and rule out those impoverished people who don’t have computers, especially considering that they probably wouldn’t find the joke very funny, considering they or someone they know very well has one of the said “stupid” names. Which leaves us with who the column would be targeted towards, educated black people who actually look at some of the dumb things that our ghetto cousins do that make us shake our heads when we go to our annual family reunions.

    Posted by Master Clarifier | March 24, 2008, 9:19 pm
  13. And by the way, the vast majority of us have computers and as crazy as it sounds, we actually know how to use them. And let’s not mention, the gross contradiction that someone would try to help people who don’t have computers with a column on the internet. It’s almost like the surgeon general writing his warning labels in Sanskrit.

    Posted by Master Clarifier | March 24, 2008, 9:24 pm
  14. Phil,
    Some people had to google it because their poor ignorant friends sent it to them, thinking it was true and not satirical (yes, I’m talking about my misinformed friends). So some had to take it upon themselves to prove that judges have no power to take away such rights.
    It should cue you when it says it applies to poor black mothers. Who would not cry out at such outrage.

    Posted by TeacherC | March 25, 2008, 2:11 pm
  15. “Q’Antity, Fellisittee” lmao, those names were the best ones in my opinion.

    Posted by Paris | March 25, 2008, 3:47 pm
  16. Hee hee, Little Clitoria is just going to have to live with her name. The problem is with the emailers who delete the disclaimers and forward the articles as truths (which is how I recieved it) and those educated black folks read the article and get themselves all worked up without doing a bit of research.

    Posted by Fara | March 25, 2008, 4:02 pm
  17. Excuse me but those of us who have lived or raised their families in public housing (which was set up for returning Anglo- vets, but I digress) do see the humor and gasp we even sacrificed and brought a computer and NOT air jordans! Actually A-A families are the fastest growing group buying computers.
    What is great I love the dialog this has generated.

    Posted by Notmyaddress | March 26, 2008, 1:04 pm
  18. I was horrified when I received this little “ditzy” from a highly educated “teacher” who also forwarded it to many friends; thinking it was true. Okay, my friends – a judge could not achieve this and would not for the sake of his life insult blacks (poor, uneducated, mental, disenfranchised-whatever). Piss off a poor black momma who loves her kids and you’ll be wearing Suebecka’s and Hortenseria’s new computer around your neck. (Oops, those are names of 2 white women I met.) I meant to say Shaniquity and GQ’Anthony’s computer! I didn’t think this was funny at all. I work with kids (sports) and see the looks in their eyes and downward stares when they are introduced for the first time. Why do you think we have so many kids with nicknames? Mommas, we’re hurting the innocent ones!!!

    Posted by AmericanIndianName | March 27, 2008, 1:34 pm
  19. At first I thought this was real until I read the whole article—-You ‘can not’ take away a parents right to name their child but on the other hand parents need to be aware of what they’re naming their child—-Not only how it is spelled but more importantly what it means—-P.S. Black folks aren’t the only ones who come up with unusual names—-I knew of a child named —-‘GONNOREA’—-It sounds exactly how it’s spelled—-You can guess where she got it from!

    Posted by Rita L. Becton | March 28, 2008, 11:58 am
  20. This is why I hate satire!

    Black radio host Kim Sellers (sp?) read this on the radio today as if it were a real news report.

    Thank God for Snopes.

    The Peoples News responds: Thank God for Kim Sellers giving us free publicity!

    Posted by Ebony | March 28, 2008, 8:54 pm
  21. Jakki….like the spelling 🙂 I loved the article and the follow up story with ‘condi’. Hilarious…I laughed until I cried. Keep us reading and keep us thinking. God bless.

    Posted by Jakki | March 31, 2008, 12:40 pm
  22. You guys are hilarious! Keep it up.

    Posted by MixedTapeTerry | April 1, 2008, 4:09 pm
  23. To my Father, may you grant my uninformed people (many left behind…..Keisha) the serenity to accept the things they know we do wrong, the courage to enjoy a good satirical laugh at themselves and the wisdom to know the difference, Amen. This article is soooooooo funny, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
    Master Clarifier…..are you married?

    Posted by S'RJo. | April 5, 2008, 7:06 am
  24. This is tooo funny!I still can’t believe people think this is real.Though with other rulings you think wouldn’t be able to be passed that were actually passed.You never know and really makes you think.Whats next.But seriouly with Names like EE-NA-MAL and Shoquiletta and Leteeraynee .And then we have the names of kids who are named after expensive products.Seriously!

    Posted by Ohdoyouhearthat?Violins | April 6, 2008, 12:24 pm
  25. This is the kind of thing that happens when the connection to our past culture is ripped away and replaced with a “patch work” of many different cultures. These so-called “stupid” names which (seemingly) make some shake their heads at their “ghetto” cousins, is part of an attemept to establish something genuinely ones own.

    Be that as it may, it seems as though some may not have a full understanding of satire… google this!

    SATIRE – term applied to any work of literature or art whose objective is ridicule. It is more easily recognized than defined. From ancient times satirists have shared a common aim: to expose foolishness in all its guises—vanity, hypocrisy, pedantry, idolatry, bigotry, sentimentality—and to effect reform through such exposure.

    Maybe some of us “black folk” should do some googling on African tribes and their naming rituals and observe the similarities therein.


    Posted by Strength | April 10, 2008, 3:37 pm
  26. This is way too fun. Grab a few dictionaries from over the years and see how definitions may have changed. It happens. Will someone google humor? When I begin my studies on African Tribes or the Tribes of Isreal, I don’t think I’ll come here for text in order to make an A. I’ll come here after I’ve completed my work and the stress levels are coming down, so I can get a LAUGH and a SMILE… and a few giggles.

    In the spirit of funlove, Martin Payne says, you don’t have to go home, but….


    Posted by Naja | April 17, 2008, 1:29 pm
  27. Hey I enjoyed all of the dialoge – even the ones who don’t know it was not a real article – the judge’s or Condi’s :):):):):)

    Posted by Jim | April 18, 2008, 5:07 pm
  28. The site is clearly satire. Every single article is labeled as satire. There are links to other satirical sites on the right. The fact that people are confused on this point embarrasses me and I hope, soon enough, The Peoples News will become known as a satirical site and the confusion dies down. In the immortal words of Charlie Murphy, we need to do better.

    Posted by CW | April 21, 2008, 11:36 am
  29. I say, DOWN with the ridiculousness of giving these names to our children. Iknow if I had a few rsumes that came across my desk and I had to choose from Q’antify Jones and Ken Jones, I’m choosing KAY-J (short for Ken Jones). I couldn’t resist blacking him up even if he is already black. I mean, look at my own name. It’s rediculous!!! People think Shawn is my first name and Trayon is my last name. I just go with it. I don’t care who you are – That sh*t aint cute!!!!

    Posted by Shawntrayon | April 25, 2008, 11:27 am
  30. Wow, I have never heard of this site, and I completely agree with Keisha. I think it is funny because all jokes have some truth, but you have people laughing at us instead of us thinking. Some people do not get it and get outraged in attempt to fight our perceived battles. Others cheer on the silliness and consider it chaos outside of themselves. I have probably the whitest name out there and I love what it means to my family and to my strength. If we are trying to foster heritage amongst our people, we need to think of whose history and what lifestyle are we handing down. Everything you do, do it with meaning. Give yourself meaning and embrace your purpose. For all people whatever you decide think about how it impacts, in what way, and how much you care about that.

    Posted by Victoria | April 25, 2008, 3:03 pm
  31. Well this is obviously satire which is intended to point out and make us laugh at human foibles and there are certainly alot of those aren’t they? Including taking ourselves too seriously. The joke IS on you/us. That’s the point of satire. Lighten up and get over yourselves. It does disturb me a bit that people actually think a judge could do such a thing and that the secretary of state would actually address that sort this issue as secretary of state in the first place. Shows a bit of a lack of understanding on how our system of government works.

    Posted by devin | May 13, 2008, 10:34 pm
  32. I haven’t laughed so hard in weeks. Satire is a wonderful thing.

    I am a professional cake decorator. I can’t count the number of times I’ve had to scrape off frosting and re-write “Happy Birthday Made-Up-Name” because the person ordering the cake didn’t know how to spell the birthday child’s name. Dads and grandparents are the worst.

    Arial or Areal… Britanie or Brittany… Candis or Candace… Donna or Dawna… Elijah or Elyjah… I’ve done ’em all!!!

    If it makes a difference, I’m white. And my customers are white.

    Posted by John & Mary Forever | May 31, 2008, 11:46 am
  33. OH, THIS IS HILARIOUS! I wouldn’t be surprised if a frustrated black teacher started this. Think about it. Poor black children are in poor black neighborhoods where 99 percent of the teachers are black.

    Oh, by the way, I’M BLACK! Seriously.

    Posted by JIP | June 28, 2008, 9:28 am
  34. this was too funny
    and Keisha…you are saying that this is targeted to people who won’t even read this and will be ignorant about this. But your are the one who is ignorant because many Blacks have computers… WoW… and whites have weird names too. Gwyneth Paltrow’s daughter’s name is Baby Apple

    Posted by Me | June 28, 2008, 1:28 pm
  35. I cannot believe some of the posts here…. really thinking Condi Rice said this stuff. OMG… this has really made my morning. I can’t stop laughing!!!

    Posted by DeniseDW | July 26, 2008, 10:05 am
  36. “Excuse me but those of us who have lived or raised their families in public housing (which was set up for returning Anglo- vets, but I digress)…”
    Actually, no, they were not – the federal appropriations at the time were made under the war effort and listed as “Armed Forces Housing” back when our congress still paid lip service to the US Constitution and needed a reason under the Enumerated Powers clause to fund projects.
    They were not intended to be anything more than what they are – housing for the poor – now tragically, housing for the chronically, multi-generationally poor.

    Actually this entire thread is predicated on an original story that is an internet urban legend and you are commenting on it as if it’s real. Very sad considering how much is truly wrong in our culture.

    Posted by Turlough Murchadha | October 7, 2009, 12:48 pm

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