Humor, Satire

HBCUs Launch Program To Attract “Boughie” Black Students

By Craig Bates


After enrolling at Greater Valley State University, Scott James’ afro was the first thing to go.

(ATLANTA) It’s one of the unloved stepchildren of the country’s historically black college and university system, but Greater Valley State University hopes a drastic pilot program will change all that. The school, which shares its home with Spelman and Morehouse colleges—but is worlds away in terms of prestige— is one of 17 HBCUs to introduce the Carlton Banks Society.

The colleges hope the Society, introduced last fall, will make white acting and speaking black students feel more comfortable on their campuses.

“When ‘A Different World’ came on TV in the ‘90s, suburban black kids flocked to the black ivies—Hampton, Howard, Spelman and Morehouse—and the surge in enrollment has continued ever since,” says Sindiswa Franklin, Greater Valley’s dean of admissions. “But those students never considered us. We did a study and learned those kids just didn’t think they’d fit in here.”

The Carlton Banks Society helps white speaking and acting black students, who typically hail from middle- and upper-class suburban families, acclimate to a different kind of black life.

An orientation week etiquette class offers guidance on the proper way to eat fried chicken (without utensils) and the expected way to greet a fellow black person in passing (always nod, whether you know them or not.)

Each CBS student undergoes a fashion makeover. Upon arriving on campus, the young men are required to relinquish all belts and swap their chinos for low-riding denim. The ladies receive a $50 Visa check card and are taken on a fieldtrip to Southwest Atlanta’s Greenbriar Shopping Mall to become acquainted with some of the local Apple Bottom and Baby Phat retailers, beauty supply shops and nail salons.

In addition, each student receives an iPod nano, preloaded with the latest hip-hop hits, but programmed to reject downloads of any neo-soul, alternative or classic rock artists. A pocket dictionary helps explain unfamiliar terms like “case quarter” “boughie” and “shawty.”

So far, results of the program, which students attend for a semester, have been positive.

“I wish someone had taken me by the hand like this in high school,” said Scott James, 18, a freshman at the school, who grew up in Livonia, Mich., outside Detroit. “I got teased so much by the black kids because of the way I speak.” He laughed. “I mean, because of the way I speaks. It’s an ongoing learning process.”

Student Claymore Tyler agreed that James had made progress.

“When Scott first got here, he was wearing his pants around his waist like a Herb,” said Tyler, 21, a sophomore from Atlanta. “I still sometimes catch him at the store tryin’ to buy a belt. But now I just give him a look and he know what up.”

One first-year participant gained so much from the CBS she has even adopted a new name.

“Well, my name is still pronounced like ‘Gloria,’ but I spell it different now,” said the newly christened G’Loryah Reuben, 18, from Pittsford, N.Y., a tony suburb of Rochester. “I feel more down.”

Note: This article is satire, brought to you by the creative minds at The Peoples News. It’s not real, but we hope it made you think.

© 2008 The Peoples News



15 thoughts on “HBCUs Launch Program To Attract “Boughie” Black Students

  1. This shit is sick. Let people be who they are. We do not need to sterotype each other. The White Man is doing a great job of that himself. It is crazy that we as Black people think that a person with a little education is acting white. Maybe he is just acting like an educated Black person. Come on, people.

    Posted by Jahaliya | March 18, 2008, 12:01 pm
  2. You have got to be kidding me

    Posted by Mitch | March 18, 2008, 2:25 pm
  3. That’s sort of funny satire. It didn’t knock my socks off but it was funy enough. Should have played up the Carlton Banks’ angle a little more. Keep it coming.

    Posted by Kelvin | March 19, 2008, 3:02 pm
  4. Man, I wish this was offered when I was in college!!! LOL
    ‘Carlton Banks Society’ Too funny!

    Posted by Shonni | March 20, 2008, 1:13 pm
  5. Who in the hell started this Society? I didn’t know that blacks had a certain way to behave. Who is providing money to keep this program going? Possibly some white person.

    Posted by Dougal | March 23, 2008, 6:21 am
  6. Humm??????????, And just think, thousands of students each semester cannont continue their education in these same institutions because of the lack of funds. Students who are in school struggle to survive without adequate food, housing, educational supplies, and transportation. I don’t know if I should laugh at this crap or shake my head to the shame of it.
    Now that I have paused to think of it… This must be a joke right? Someone please tell me it is.

    Posted by Parent of HBU student | March 24, 2008, 6:04 pm
  7. This entire site is hi-freakin-larious!! I’m confused why people are not reading the very last line of every article that proclaims that this is clearly all satire and completely made-up. Why are some coming on and getting rather hostile about satirical articles? I’m rather disturbed. *laughing and vomiting simultaneously*

    Posted by smileywrylygirl | March 24, 2008, 8:24 pm
  8. Thank you “smileywrylgirl” for your posting. If people cannot laugh at themselves, then surely other folks will do it for them. And you HAVE to be able to laugh at yourself if for no other reason it keeps you honest. Eliot Spitzer, the former governor of New York, took himself WAY too seriously, and now everybody is laughing at him.

    Question: Is there a reaon that the initials for the alleged “Carlton Banks Society” are the same for the Columbia Broadcasting System, aka, CBS? It was alluded to in the article. The reason I ask is have you looked at CBS’ lineup lately? Eddie Murphy (I think) once joked that NBC stood for “No Blacks or Coloreds.” Just wondering….

    Posted by Quincy Ryan | March 25, 2008, 2:59 pm
  9. how the @#&$ are you supposed to “reprogram” an iPod nano to reject certain types of music? unless you get the Apple Company to reprogram it for you, that’s impossible.

    Posted by the ≠&¢ | March 25, 2008, 8:46 pm
  10. Now this is funny because I know how they feel. I went to an HBCU but I didn’t feel out of place at first because a lot of the black people there spoke like me. But, later on I found that we were a oddities. I am not acting white because I speak proper english, I am as black as they come. Some people see me as a paradox because my hair is locked, but I speak properly. Lastly, I have been around some white people whose speech would have nothing on “Ebonics.” Let me be me. I love this article it was right up my alley, I hope we really think about it.

    Posted by Rose | March 26, 2008, 10:54 am
  11. Quincy Ryan:
    Question: Is there a reaon that the initials for the alleged “Carlton Banks Society” are the same for the Columbia Broadcasting System, aka, CBS? It was alluded to in the article. The reason I ask is have you looked at CBS’ lineup lately? Eddie Murphy (I think) once joked that NBC stood for “No Blacks or Coloreds.” Just wondering….

    Response: That was actually a sketch done by MadTV when the issue arose regarding the lack of African American sitcoms in the Fall lineup of that year. I think it was Aries Spears that they had listing the acronyms for all broadcasting stations like ABC, NBC, TBS, FOX, CNN . . .

    Posted by La'N'R'G-cia | March 26, 2008, 12:49 pm
  12. ” I mean the way I speaks” lol that part made me laugh

    Posted by paris x | March 26, 2008, 2:32 pm
  13. Dougal, PLEASE tell us you are making a joke

    Posted by NO Dougal ! | April 8, 2008, 11:56 pm
  14. What is wrong with the black community that no one takes offense to the dumbing down of our people? It is not a matter of speaking white or black but of education. I hate this approach!! This is something I would never support and if my child was to attend a institution with ideas such as this I would remove her immediately. What happened to everything Black people fought for, for us attend schools, to unite and take pride in ourselves, to be more than an a ignorant slave? I refuse to find this as helpful, but as something hurtful to black children. Look at pictures from the 50’s and up of the way black students dressed. They went to school with pride and class. This is yet another horrible idea to retard, sabotage and degrade us as a people.

    Posted by Stephanie | April 10, 2008, 11:59 am
  15. My friend on Orkut shared this link with me and I’m not dissapointed at all that I came to your blog.

    The Peoples News responds: We’re glad to have you here, Six Pack.

    Posted by How to Get Six Pack Fast | April 15, 2009, 11:07 am

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