Humor, Satire

Supreme Court Ruling Brings Belts Back to African-American Neighborhoods

By Bill Matthews

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Jabari Adams, 28, will no longer have to suffer from saggy pant syndrome

(WASHINGTON D.C.) This afternoon, the Supreme Court upheld the NAACP Legal Defense Fund’s lawsuit against the National Belt Association of America, saying the powerful organization systematically kept belts out of African-American neighborhoods.

The 7-2 decision by the nation’s highest court, however, did not uphold a lower court monetary reward of $100 gazillion, as the nine justices agreed it is a made up number. Nonetheless, they had sharp words for the NBAA.

“This display of belt redlining is so egregious that there really is no punishment to fit it,” said Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, speaking for the majority.

The court ruled that the NBAA established a pattern of discrimination by threatening to pull supplies from mavericks who attempted to set up stores in predominantly African-American cities. Since 1984, the number of belt stores in Washington D.C., for instance, has dropped from 1,828 to 12, all in Georgetown. The lack of stores has forced many black men to suffer the indignity of walking around without belts, their pants sagging so low that their boxers and sometimes even ass cracks were revealed to the world.

The NBAA, with all expediency, now has to diversify its store locations by moving back into African-American neighborhoods, or face steep fines.

“To think all the times I have encountered ass-in-the-face from young black men while climbing the stairs of the Metro, that it wasn’t even necessary,” said Justice David Souter. “For years, I thought they were merely unkempt or making a dash at rebelliousness. To know they were denied the usage of belts sickens me.”

Singling out NBAA chairman Blake Wychek, Justice Anthony Kennedy said “You sir, are the real menace to society,” which drew hoots and fist pumps from the Defense Fund lawyers. Chief Justice John Roberts gave his colleague a fist pound, as Kennedy beamed, knowing he’d gotten off a good one.

Justices Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas dissented.

Afterward, the Defense Fund lawyers were in a celebratory mood.

“It’s a great day for black people. For all people really,” said Defense Fund lead attorney Witherspoon Charles. “I mean, catching sight of someone’s sagging boxers is so unnecessary.

Charles said not getting the money didn’t matter. He blamed the confusion on Federal Court Judge Ryan Cabrera, who came up with the impossible amount.

“We just wanted our people to have belts again,” said Charles. “Our young men have been clamoring for them.”

Indeed, the original plaintiff, Asante Pitts, now 38, was ecstatic. He brought the suit 17 years ago, just after completing a 3-year prison sentence. He noticed that all the men in his Detroit neighborhood were wearing baggy pants that sagged below their butts.

“I remember asking what happened, and all my boys said they were being victimized by the lack of belt stores,” Pitts recalled. “I checked it out. They were all gone.”

The NAACP immediately took up his case. But it meandered through the courts as the NBAA fought it every step of the way. Now, though, Pitts said he will celebrate tonight knowing he helped usher in a new era.

“No more homemade rope belts, or using the ironing cord, or just showing my ass crack,” he exclaimed. “I can finally be a man again.”

NBAA chairman Wychek initially said the organization would appeal. When one of his lawyers informed him that you couldn’t appeal the Supreme Court, Wychek replied “Well duh.”

Note: This article is satire, brought to you by the creative minds at The Peoples News. It’s not real, but we hope it made you think.

© 2008 The Peoples News

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Discussion

15 thoughts on “Supreme Court Ruling Brings Belts Back to African-American Neighborhoods

  1. The boys (and men – they had to learn it somewhere!) seem to forget, or don’t know, the “style” of wearing their pants so their underwear shows is FROM PRISON! It means that you are someone’s BITCH (girlfriend) in the big house! But . . . if they want to walk around like they are somebody’s bitch — that’s their business!!

    Posted by RLBQ | March 14, 2008, 11:35 pm
  2. Yes it started off in prison; but no it did not mean you were someone’s b***h. It meant the opposite. When they came home, they wore their pants like that to prove how tough they were….that were so tough they could walk around the joint with their pants halfway down and still no one would take it from them.

    That’s why the “gangsters” started wearing their pants like that. To prove just how tough they were.

    Posted by name | March 15, 2008, 11:21 pm
  3. If the belt company deliberately withheld the placement of stores/belts from predominantly black neighborhoods, then I do agree whole-heartedly with the court’s decision. However, at what point did people in those communities decide to just not go to where belts were sold (like the mall). It seems to me that young people in particular find ways to get to the places where the things they really want are sold, so they could do the same thing if they really wanted to buy (and wear) a belt, don’t you think?

    Posted by Sue | March 17, 2008, 1:54 pm
  4. Lack of Belt stores? are you serious? so that is an excuse to not wear a belt? Take yo asses to walmart or target, hell any place I have been to, you can buy a belt. More excuses for us black folk to come up with to justify this crazy craze. wearing your pants below your ass is not a good look, makes you look homeless. And at 28, dont you think that is a little old to be wearing pants below your butt?

    Posted by Mitch | March 18, 2008, 2:28 pm
  5. Well I can’t confirm the origination of this fad but I hate it. It’s ungly and unattractive and pointless. I’m tired of seeing it and I tell people to pull their pants up all the time.

    Posted by Me | March 18, 2008, 4:52 pm
  6. coming to a mall near you….the belt store!! Nothing but belts all the time! Famous rapper Chingy says “I cain’t ‘member the last time I saw me a belt store.”

    Posted by mediaempyre | March 24, 2008, 7:49 am
  7. The fad did indeed originate in prison, but not for the reasons mentioned above. When prisoners are issued pants, they are not asked what size they would like, they are just given a pair of pants. There are no belts in prison, hence the sagging pants and the need to hold them up.

    Posted by JG | March 24, 2008, 3:57 pm
  8. the reason they don’t wear belts (or shoelaces) in prison is because it can be used as a weapon on others or to do self harm such as hanging themself…
    is anyone reading the entired article???This is satire…

    Posted by Tina | March 24, 2008, 6:02 pm
  9. What supreme court justice would say, “…ass in the face…”? It’s supposed to be funny, not factual.

    Posted by TeacherC | March 25, 2008, 3:24 pm
  10. keep ’em coming Peoples News…love it, love it!! what I didn’t expect to learn was the origin of the baggy/saggy pants. what I did learn is that some people are still unable to distinguish fact from “satire”. Lawd have mercy! But hurry.

    Posted by JUNOME | March 25, 2008, 3:48 pm
  11. This site is a hoot. (Did I type hoot?) The story I heard from someone I know who had been in prison is that that they wear the pants so big to hide weapons, which doesn’t make sense to me and I didn’t press the issue. But he also said that at times you see a guy walking and the only thing holding up the pants is “the walk”.

    Posted by It's Me | March 26, 2008, 12:58 am
  12. Hilarious…Ass to the face on the metro escalator is always a horrible thing!

    Posted by ListenToLeon | March 28, 2008, 12:07 pm
  13. I’m just thankful the stores still sold boxers in our neighborhoods. Imagine how it would look without something to prove our manhood…and no belts too!

    Posted by legallyblack | March 31, 2008, 1:44 pm
  14. Most of your items are good for watercooler chit chat.

    Posted by LY | April 1, 2008, 4:18 pm
  15. took my grandson on a trip to Alaska, as he walked down the airport walkway to the plane carrying two bags his pant started to slip down little by little. The ladies group I was with, grasp in horror, as they walked behind him. Me I was hoping that they fell around his knees and tripped him so I could take a picture of it and send it to his stupid parents who allowed him to go beltless. To express himself.

    Posted by mary white | January 11, 2009, 8:03 pm

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