By Bill Matthews
Jabari Adams, 28, will no longer have to suffer from saggy pant syndrome
(WASHINGTON D.C.) This afternoon, the Supreme Court upheld the NAACP Legal Defense Fund’s lawsuit against the National Belt Association of America, saying the powerful organization systematically kept belts out of African-American neighborhoods.
The 7-2 decision by the nation’s highest court, however, did not uphold a lower court monetary reward of $100 gazillion, as the nine justices agreed it is a made up number. Nonetheless, they had sharp words for the NBAA.
“This display of belt redlining is so egregious that there really is no punishment to fit it,” said Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, speaking for the majority.
The court ruled that the NBAA established a pattern of discrimination by threatening to pull supplies from mavericks who attempted to set up stores in predominantly African-American cities. Since 1984, the number of belt stores in Washington D.C., for instance, has dropped from 1,828 to 12, all in Georgetown. The lack of stores has forced many black men to suffer the indignity of walking around without belts, their pants sagging so low that their boxers and sometimes even ass cracks were revealed to the world.
The NBAA, with all expediency, now has to diversify its store locations by moving back into African-American neighborhoods, or face steep fines.
“To think all the times I have encountered ass-in-the-face from young black men while climbing the stairs of the Metro, that it wasn’t even necessary,” said Justice David Souter. “For years, I thought they were merely unkempt or making a dash at rebelliousness. To know they were denied the usage of belts sickens me.”
Singling out NBAA chairman Blake Wychek, Justice Anthony Kennedy said “You sir, are the real menace to society,” which drew hoots and fist pumps from the Defense Fund lawyers. Chief Justice John Roberts gave his colleague a fist pound, as Kennedy beamed, knowing he’d gotten off a good one.
Justices Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas dissented.
Afterward, the Defense Fund lawyers were in a celebratory mood.
“It’s a great day for black people. For all people really,” said Defense Fund lead attorney Witherspoon Charles. “I mean, catching sight of someone’s sagging boxers is so unnecessary.”
Charles said not getting the money didn’t matter. He blamed the confusion on Federal Court Judge Ryan Cabrera, who came up with the impossible amount.
“We just wanted our people to have belts again,” said Charles. “Our young men have been clamoring for them.”
Indeed, the original plaintiff, Asante Pitts, now 38, was ecstatic. He brought the suit 17 years ago, just after completing a 3-year prison sentence. He noticed that all the men in his Detroit neighborhood were wearing baggy pants that sagged below their butts.
“I remember asking what happened, and all my boys said they were being victimized by the lack of belt stores,” Pitts recalled. “I checked it out. They were all gone.”
The NAACP immediately took up his case. But it meandered through the courts as the NBAA fought it every step of the way. Now, though, Pitts said he will celebrate tonight knowing he helped usher in a new era.
“No more homemade rope belts, or using the ironing cord, or just showing my ass crack,” he exclaimed. “I can finally be a man again.”
NBAA chairman Wychek initially said the organization would appeal. When one of his lawyers informed him that you couldn’t appeal the Supreme Court, Wychek replied “Well duh.”
Note: This article is satire, brought to you by the creative minds at The Peoples News. It’s not real, but we hope it made you think.
© 2008 The Peoples News